Parkhill resident shares harrowing ordeal of domestic abuse

FIGHTING back against gender-based violence, the 16 Days of Activism Campaign is held from 25 November to 10 December every year.

According to the South African government website, South Africa adopted the campaign in 1998 as one of the intervention strategies towards creating a society free of violence. It aims to encourage tall South Africans to be active participants in the fight to eradicate violence.

This year’s theme is ‘Count me in: Together moving a non-violent South Africa forward.’

A Parkhill resident who wanted to remain anonymous said she suffered over a decade of abuse at the hands of her ex partner.

“We were together for 12 years. During that time the abuse varied from financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and even physical abuse to an extent. He would never hit me in the face where the mark would show. His abuse tactics changed. He would stop some behaviours and then take on other abusive behaviour, he simply found new ways to abuse me. Instead of hitting me, he would make subtle threats like placing a screwdriver on the table while talking. It was intimidation, insinuating that if I didn’t go along with what he wanted there would be a consequence,” she said.

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Red flags to watch out for

She said their were several red flags she noticed including how her partner would show disrespect in the way he spoke to service people.

“I remember thinking how odd it was because he was such a nice person. I also noticed that he had a bad relationship with his family. He was really disrespectful of his mother,” she said.

Another red flag was infidelity. “Even if you have questions about fidelity that’s a red flag. We are all human all have insecurities, if your partner mocks you when you want to talk about it, that’s a problem,” she said.

The cycle of abuse

She said that the cycle of abuse did not change after she and her ex-partner had children.

“When I had my daughter I hoped he would be able to imagine her in my shoes and have sympathy for me, but he didn’t,” she said.

Despite her hopes, nothing changed and she was soon isolated from her friends and family.

“I was basically a hermit, just me and the kids. He was out drinking and taking drugs. I was handling all household responsibility. He wasn’t contributing at all, yet I still felt I needed him. I had to build myself up,” she added.

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Eventually getting away from the abuse took strength and a good support system and Carol Von Tonder from Independent Crisis Team (ICT) played a key role.

“Carol took control of situation, she encouraged him to think rationally. No matter how much you love a person, they will not change. In the early stages of the relationship, these people never reveal who they are. They treat you like absolute gold and put you on a pedestal. You think you’ve met your soul mate, they mimic what you like . Only once you have committed to them do their true colours show,” she said.

Von Tonder, who is the chairperson for ICT  said that 80 per cent of victims go back to their abusers.

“Victims have to get their lives back on track financially and emotionally. It is a process,” she said.

Team leader for ICT, Michelle Busse added: “Domestic abusers start by isolating you from your support system. They convince you to give up your job. Some 80 percent of victims go back to their abusers because they feel they have no support.”

Contact ICT on 084 810 4469 or 084 559 9906.

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