Sport is a goldmine of hilarity.
Amid the seriousness of competitive combat, there are inevitably many moments of hysterics.
Sledging to unsettle the opposition is a favoured tactic – although it often backfires.
I personally suffered a double whammy in this regard.
Playing for Harlequins against arch-enemies Pretoria in the (then) Northern Transvaal club league, my opposite number, typically named Crowbar Koekemoer (or some such – it was too long ago to remember), was a firm believer of resorting to cheap insults to intimidate.
Regarding myself as intellectually superior, I simply ignored the dullard’s snide remarks. Until the gods of retribution offered me a door of opportunity.
Blabbermouth Koekies received a long pass and was thundering down the sideline somewhat isolated – the sweet spot for defenders and from where offensive runners have no escape.
Perfectly positioned, I was embraced by joy. Not for me the crude method of psycho babble. My upcoming bone-jarring crash-tackle would do the talking.
Noticing me homing in like an Exocet missile, Crowbar the coward wildly flung the ball inside to avoid the mother of all collisions.
But I had come too far and the opportunity too enticing. My superior intellect inexplicably evaporated and I took him – late and hard. He folded like a rag doll and we ploughed into the touchline crowd.
But then Murphy’s law intervened.
It was a rainy day and we landed in a heap right at the feet of Crowbar’s mother and girlfriend-cum-wife, who – fleetingly judging the two books by their covers I must confess – were clearly also homo sapiens of limited faculties, and therefore ominously unpredictable.
And so it was.’Jou vuilgat!’ they bellowed and ferociously set upon me with their umbrellas. I had to flee into the protective arms of the referee. Final score? Crowbar Koekies 1, Superior Intellect 0.
There are many examples of famous sport personalities whose attempts at wit and sledging didn’t always turn out as well as they intended.
Aussie spin bowler Shane Warne (who unfortunately died at the weekend) was South African opening bat Darryll Cullinan’s nemesis, and greeted him in one match with the remark: “I’ve been waiting 4 years for another chance to humiliate you.” Cullinan’s response? “Looks like you spent it eating.”
Portly Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes was quick off the mark when Aussie pace bowler Glenn McGrath asked him why he was so fat.
“Because every time I sleep with your wife she gives me a biscuit” he instantly shot back.
Sport idols’ attempts at sharp quotes often fall flat as well.
Asked whether he considered himself volatile, soccer icon David Beckham retorted: “I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.” Versatile indeed.
Famous New York Yankees baseball coach Yogi Berra had many pearls of wisdom, one being: “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”
A reporter asked basketball giant Shaquille O’Neal if he visited the Parthenon while in Greece. “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs we went to,” was the reply.
And said upset former world heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson:”[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I ain’t no recluse.”
But another former heavyweight champion, Rocky Graziano, got it spot on. He admitted he quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia.
“Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.”
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