2020 was the year I turned 40, a year of such great promise, yet this past season was to be one of the toughest of my life!
Like many women out there, I am the “over achiever, capable, busy, many balls in the air at a time” type person.
But this year I have learnt that this is not sustainable!
I am a wife to an incredible man, mom to 2 strong little people aged 7 and 10, leader in our church community, physiotherapist and business owner.
Add to this that I work from home and was trying to homeschool my 2 kiddies in lockdown.
Before lockdown my husband and I faced quite a few emotional traumas, helped pioneer a church plant and he travelled a lot for business.
I did not realise it but I was heading for burnout.
By August I was having daily migraines which disturbed my vision and made me sensitive to light and noise.
I did what all “good” medical professionals do: I sucked it up and pushed through.
By September these were accompanied by severe neck and jaw pain and nausea.
When the headaches hit, I felt I was struggling to even get my words out.
I was tearful and sore and frustrated that it felt like my body was letting me down.
I am an active person and love ballet, running, cycling, anything active!
But by September I had to give up ballet and had stopped most exercise due to the headaches, fatigue and body pain.
Once when I tried to go for a 4km run my heart rate was sky high on the flat, I had zero energy and I was so sore.
This was a moment of epiphany, a moment of God’s grace that I realised that if I don’t do something drastically, my body would not recover.
My body was screaming at me to ‘stop, slow down, rest!’ I was burnt out with an adrenal system completely out of kilter.
One would think that as someone who helps others all day to listen to their bodies, I would have been a tad more attune to my own!
I know that I am not alone in this.
So many people think that to slow down is weakness or failure.
But we only have one body and we need to take care of it.
I began to make some changes, and I let a few of the balls fall and I began to prioritise me.
I saw a physio colleague, a chiropractor, a neurologist, a dietician and a psychologist.
I made changes to my priorities, my diet, my routine, my sleep patterns, exercise – this was a time to reset!
I put myself at the centre of care and instead of being the one helping others, I accepted help.
I cried more tears than I thought were possible but crying in and of itself is a healing process.
Life is full of physical and emotional traumas which drain the body and soul and unless we stop, take stock and heal, these things will catch up to us.
I am a “coper and doer”, a high capacity, high energy personality who always looks on the bright side and so I pushed beyond what I should have.
I said yes when I should have said no, and I ignored my body’s warning signals.
Now I am learning boundaries, how to say no and the art of self-care.
American author Parker Palmer said: “Self-care is not a selfish act it is in fact good stewardship of the only gift I have been given on this earth to offer others.”
It has been hard, but the toughest seasons if navigated correctly are the ones in which we grow the most.
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I am grateful that I trusted my God and let Jesus take the reins and walk me through.
One of my favourite scriptures is Psalm 23 and I have lived by its truth: ‘There is provision in the dark valley seasons and He comforts us as we walk through them.’
God has taught me so much in this season; how to lean back and trust in His all sufficiency, how when I am weak, He is strong and how with Him I am never alone.
I have learnt that we all have our moments of pain and that to admit we are not ok is not a weakness, but actually a strength.
