Dear Svetlana, I almost felt compelled to respond to your kind offer received via email.
Your invitation sounded uncommonly romantic compared to the aggressive and uninhibited subject lines of the other members of the Russian sisterhood.
Tatjana, Katja, Olga et al certainly don’t beat about the bush to grab attention. They make their intentions of bringing happiness to my body explicitly clear. The mind boggles.
Regretfully, I must confess I never click on your friendly missives.
One can never be too cautious these days with all the dastardly scams roaming the internet.
My apologies therefore if I appeared to be dismissive of your enduring philanthropic propositions, so I’ll cut to the chase.
Assuming you have all by accident stumbled upon or shared my Facebook page and were motivated to action by my profile photo (I do look cool and upwardly mobile, don’t I?), modesty and honesty now prompt me to enter the confessional booth, so to speak.
The image was inserted many decades ago when I leapt into the Facebook sphere. I never got round to updating it – I don’t think I know how anymore and have been avoiding the task.
Truth be told, I’ve moved on a bit. If you delve deeper into my photo gallery you’ll see what I mean. I can no longer by any stretch of the imagination live up to the rigorous manoeuvres in the dark the subject lines suggest.
Injury or possible heart attacks are now my new normal, so I apologise for any misleading perceptions.
I must admit though that I am a trifle disappointed. I was informed by my old fogey friends in “The Python Club” (we had to move with the times and sadly take leave of the erstwhile “Spitting Cobras” moniker), that you make advances to them as well.
And there I thought I was the chosen one.
Fat Fred’s laughable suggestion that it was all fake, created by unscrupulous scamster Indian or Pakistani chappies in run-down New Delhi and Islamabad offices, was dismissed with contempt.
We simply cannot accept that you nubile young virgins are capable of such deceit.
Be that as it may, now that the truth is out – and considering your unfaithfulness I might add – I want to implore you to move on and delete my email address from your lists.
I am also copying this to the financial administrators of former chief of Nigeria’s armed forces, general Ougo Ogadougoudougou and others, who persistently beseech me to become the custodian of zillions of Rands of inheritance money.
Gentlemen, given my well-established reputation as a man of honour and integrity, I understand your decision to entrust me in this regard, but with Comrade Cyril coming down hard on dubious dealings of late, I unfortunately have to decline your well-meaning offers.
Lastly, my gratitude to the folk at the British Lotto who must be as astounded as I am about the regularity I hold the winning jackpot numbers.
I will happily respond once you can explain to me the mechanics of winning without buying your Lotto tickets.
May I therefore request you all to desist from clogging up my email box in future. It is time consuming to sift through all the nonsense.
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