We ride at dawn to war with the US and bad television

“Terrible things are happening in South Africa,” Donald Trump said in response to a question from a member of the radical counter-revolutionary media.

He is absolutely right. But these terrible things aren’t just happening to everyone. It’s only “certain classes of people” who are being mistreated.

I am nothing if not lower middle class and fall squarely into this category. Yesterday morning, one of these terrible things did indeed happen to me. I went into a bottle store to replenish a liquor cabinet badly ravaged by the weekend and presented myself at the counter for the purposes of payment.

The cashier, a person of visibly lower social standing, pointed at the queue as if I were visually impaired and suggested I take my place at the rear.

I was outraged, gesturing repeatedly at my pale face to indicate that I was of a certain class of people who, by the grace of God, are exempted from terrible things such as standing in queues made up of people who are accustomed to terrible things, most of which have historically been inflicted upon them by my own class of people.

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Returning home, I swallowed my humiliation along with a handful of Xanax and a tumbler of whisky, before penning a letter to President Trump informing him of this latest atrocity committed against a certain class of people.

I have no doubt that upon receipt of my complaint, he will order a pre-emptive strike on the Union Buildings.

Pressed further and responding with one of his legendary disjointed sentences, he said: “Until such time that we find out what South Africa is doing … they’re taking away land, they’re confiscating land … they’re doing things that are perhaps far worse than that.”

I hope that when he finds out what South Africa is doing, he will not hesitate to let the rest of us know. Our government keeps us in the dark, sometimes quite literally. As a certain class of people, we have lost all of our privileges. No, not lost.

They were brutally taken from us. I clearly recall going to bed as a first-class citizen and waking up to find an entirely different class of people cheekily walking about on our beaches, sitting in our restaurants, looking openly at our women and running our country into the ground. Nobody ever explained to us how this happened.

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The leader of the free world warned of worse things happening than the snatching of land. In line with his policy, he gave no examples, but I suspect he was referring to things like Helen Zille’s deteriorating dress sense, Handre Pollard being sold into slavery and DStv showing Anaconda for the 794th time.

We should all be very grateful that we have a South African native helping to keep the White House white and the country of his birth on its knees, although I would think twice before calling him a native to his face.

This is a proud and decent man who wants only the best for the United States and the worst for the land in which he was relentlessly bullied as a schoolboy simply for being an unlikeable, creepy little shit.

This is someone who clearly bears lifelong grudges and it’s fair to say that he will, at some point, instruct the president to drop a nuclear bomb on Pretoria.

Trump says he will cut off all funding to South Africa while an investigation is conducted into why the terrible things are happening to a certain class of people.

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Nobody I spoke to knows what the US pays for here. President Cyril Ramaphosa said the only US aid South Africa received was 17% of its HIV-Aids programme, but there’s no guarantee he’s telling the truth.

What I did find out was that his announcement caused the rand to stumble and fall. With Nomvula Mokonyane no longer around to pick it up, the consequences could be dire. I have savings that are so modest that they blush if you look them in the eye. If they were to drop in value, I’ll be spending my golden years in a homeless shelter.

So while I appreciate Trump and Elon Musk’s noble crusade to protect a certain class of people from the destructive ravages of justice and equality, I can’t go along with it if it’s going to cost me money.

I didn’t struggle to be poor. Okay, I didn’t struggle at all. That’s not the point.

We need to start a trade war with the US. Hell, forget trade. Let’s just go straight to war.

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Once our army is back from the DRC and they’ve had a bit of a liedown, we can start shipping them over. I was a signalman in the SADF and am happy to command a battalion of mounted infantry. In accordance with family tradition, I’ll be bringing up the rear.

Saddle up, boys. We ride at dawn.