Turning moobs into beefcakes

Did you know (some) bodybuilders buy breastmilk online? It’s a wonder-food, or so they believe: if it can build big babies then it must be able to zap stubborn moobs and turn breasticles into beefcakes.

However, mother’s milk doesn’t come cheap: sold (though officially banned) on eBay, breastmilk costs in the region of R20 per 10ml – so R200 for a 200ml bottle. And I thought oat milk was expensive.

It reminded me of an episode of The Golden Girls where old Sophia offers her daughter, the not quite as old Dorothy, a bottle of water. Taste it! And? What’s it like? Is it good?

Yes, it’s good, says Dorothy. Excellent, says Sophia, we’re going to be rich – it’s from the garden hosepipe.

I’m going to be rich too. Breastmilk may be beyond this body, but imagine what I could produce with a tin of formula and some cream…

Seriously, there are good reasons why you can source breastmilk online. Nursing mothers with an overflow donate – or sell – the excess to parents without a supply of their own, because breast really is best.

Breastmilk banks exist where parents can procure tested, pasteurised, frozen breastmilk for their infant and have it couriered to them.

Our own South African Breastmilk Reserve provides breastmilk on a case-by-case basis to orphans, premature babies, and babies with severe allergies in neonatal intensive care units, and all their donors are screened for HIV and hepatitis – which can be passed on in breastmilk.

However, no donor is paid. In South Africa breastmilk is considered a human tissue, therefore buying and selling it is illegal.

The problem with the wild west of the internet is that you just don’t know: you don’t know if those used schoolgirl knickers of Japanese legend were worn actually by a crone; you don’t know if the sexy housewife you’re chatting to is someone’s creepy uncle; you don’t know if that breastmilk is real, or even dangerous.

In tests in the US, 75% of uncontrolled breastmilk bought online was found to contain bacteria and viruses, while 10% had been topped up with baby formula or cow’s milk.

But if you’re still into it, Mr Muscles, you big spoiled baby, then maybe consider that real breastmilk should go to the actual babies who need it most.

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