The sovereign bigotry of choosing romantic partners

Members of a gay dating site have been criticised recently for specifying in their profile preferences that they don’t date black people. The argument of the critics is that this is a type of racism, and that by allowing it, the dating platform is sanctioning bigotry.

The obvious rejoinder to this is that choosing a romantic partner is indeed a form of discrimination. After all, we are usually only able to be with one partner at a time, and in choosing them, we simultaneously reject every other member of the human race. This is perfect discrimination. We reject everyone else, literally because of who they are, and we choose Janine, say. Or Thulani.

But whether this constitutes intolerance is debatable. Are we not, in this most intimate, personal context, allowed to indulge our own tastes without being accused of unethical, immoral forms of bias?

Perhaps not.

How, for instance, do we know that we could not possibly experience a fulfilling relationship with a black person? Or a white one? Perhaps we should be more open to experiencing people of other backgrounds, and then make the decisions on who to partner up with based on their individual personalities.

This is well and good, but are we not also entitled to begin the process of editing out potential suitors based on personal taste, prior experience or practical considerations?

After all, as John Lyly may have noted in the 1500s, “all is fair in love and war”. We are not obligated to give everyone and anyone an equal chance, to balance out the competing offerings of rival suitors, as if they were contractors making tender applications.

In matters of the heart we prejudge, we are not reasonable, we’re flighty, we indulge our deepest urges as well as our most superficial fancies, and we should not have to account for them.

After all, are personal freedom of choice and association not the most fundamental human rights of all?

They are indeed. But as slaves to our limited personal tastes and experience, we may be short-changing ourselves, limiting our life’s adventure to that which we already have knowledge of.

Perhaps I have had a positive previous relationship with an Indian woman, say. I am well within my rights to seek out another Indian woman for my next relationship. But am I experiencing the best that life has to offer if I do that? Am I getting the most out of the romantic buffet of life, to employ a slightly dangerous metaphor?

I certainly am not. But that is my prerogative.

A true equal-opportunity explorer of the dating pool would date men and women, transgender people of all ages, races, cultures and sexual orientations. Few of us do, for reasons of practicality, social convention and yes, personal taste.

It’s worth asking whether protecting everyone’s rights – for instance, the right to be considered as a suitor for dinner at Foundry and a possible kiss and a squeeze of some body parts in the parking lot – infringes on the right of the person making the choice in the first place?

“It’s my preference” is not a good enough explanation in most cases of discrimination, except of course when we’re talking about personal preference!

Equal opportunity dating also imposes a sense of rationality on to an undertaking that is borderline metaphysical in nature. It is not always possible for us to say why we don’t like a particular romantic candidate. We cannot always fully articulate the “why”. Nor should we have to.

“I don’t want to date you because X” should not be a requirement any more than our Tinder swipes should require an exposition on our split-second instincts.

Sure, there may be an element of discrimination in it, but it is the discrimination of self-preservation, the sovereign bigotry of personal predilection.

We need to be able to follow our intuition, without having to justify it, in our personal lives. We may be selling ourselves short, shrinking our horizons, limiting the vistas of life to which we can aspire. But we cannot all climb the Everest of romance by going out with a transgender Finnish cage-fighter with a psychological condition because they deserve a chance.

In a looming column, I will explore how bigotry, racism and toxic fetishism are more likely to find expression in the relationships we do choose, than in those we forgo.

Until then, follow your heart, your stomach or your tastebuds, as you see fit.

Hagen Engler. Picture: Supplied

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