Dear teachers,
Around this time of year, I usually write to the poor bastards who have either just left school for the last time or are about to go to school for the first time. Either way, both are about to enter a world of pain and I wish them luck.
But what about you? The men, women and those in between who have the thankless task of educating our next generation of academics, politicians, hustlers, capitalists, housebreakers, sociopaths, alcoholics and unemployed spongers?
Some of you will have studied to become teachers; others will have become teachers because you failed at everything else. Then there are those of you who weighed up the odds.
While a tenderpreneur gets paid a lot more, it’s the profession with the most holidays. A magnificent total of at least 84 days a year. People with normal jobs have to make do with 21.
I once seriously considered going into teaching on this benefit alone, but the trade-off wasn’t worth it. Don’t like kids. Hate homework. Can’t do early mornings. Or wear pants every day.
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But while the weeks off are fantastic, the downside is that, unlike the matrics, the expelled and the pregnant, you never get to leave school. It’s a Groundhog Day nightmare. After every holiday, you’re back in the classroom. For the rest of your life. That’s not strictly true.
Very few teachers actually die in harness. Most of you will move on to jobs that require less effort, although if you’re a teacher at a government school in, say, the Eastern Cape, if you had to put in any less effort, you’d be declared clinically dead and someone in your family would continue to draw your salary.
Perhaps I’m being unduly harsh. After all, the official matric pass rate for 2024 was 87.3%. Maybe you are doing something right. And yet, for all we know, the unofficial pass rate is around 38.6%, but the government says it’s 87.3%, and in the absence of anyone credible coming forward with another figure, I suppose we should believe it.
A 2021 study revealed that 81% of our Grade 4 pupils cannot read for meaning in any of the 11 official languages. So looking forward to seeing the pass rate when this cohort reaches matric.
I see that our shiny new Basic Education Minister Siviwe Gwarube announced the results at something called the Mosaïek Church in Randburg. Are you okay with this? We are, after all, a secular state and really shouldn’t be mixing education with religion.
It’s like mixing brandy and water. The two just don’t go together. It can make you mad. I tried to find out more about this church through their website but lost interest when I saw they’d listed four different ways of giving them money, one of which was a R500 “tithe”. Seems a bit steep for these godless times.
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Your boss said she was “pleased” that nearly half of the class of 2024 received a bachelor pass. Or, in a parallel universe, she was “furious” that 52% did so badly that they will never be allowed to beg at prime intersections reserved for those with university degrees.
So there were only 407 cases of group copying? That’s not very good and I hope to see this number quadruple next year. Pupils who learn to work together in groups, even if it is to cheat, will go far in life. Mostly into the civil service.
As teachers, it is your responsibility to show them how not to get caught. The National Prosecuting Authority cannot cope as it is and the last thing they need is to launch more investigations as a fresh batch of novice crooks is unleashed.
I was proud to hear that my home province, KwaZulu-Natal, topped the list of implicated candidates.
With Jacob Zuma as their role model, they will be able to deploy the Stalingrad tactic until well into retirement.
Until then, they will enjoy a long and lucrative career as MK members of parliament.
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If you were one of their teachers, take a bow. If you are a member of the SA Democratic Teachers’ Union, I wish you well in your fight for smaller classrooms, fewer pupils, bigger pay cheques, more time off and a minister who isn’t a member of the Democratic Alliance.
In this field, only one organisation has a legitimate claim to be democratic. Anyone who disagrees with you must be destroyed.
That is the essence of democracy, something I learnt at my whites-only government school many years ago.
Some of you teach at government schools and some at private schools. I’m sure both have their pros and cons. For instance, you’re probably paid more at an independent school, but there’s more chance of losing your job if you accidentally impregnate one of your pupils during physical education.
And if you teach at a government school, you might have a job for life, but not have access to cutting-edge technology like chalk and a blackboard.
We all need to lower our expectations. You are teachers, not miracle workers. You can’t know everything.
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If you don’t know something, make it up and pass it on. Kids will believe anything these days. In the old days, you were allowed to beat your pupils. That was the best part of being a teacher.
They didn’t even have to do anything wrong. You could just hit them and laugh, then start the lesson with the Lord’s Prayer.
Now you have to find other ways to enjoy your job. I don’t envy you. It can’t be easy. Well, I suppose it can if you’re doing it wrong.
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