Stepping up for good stepdads, the unsung heroes

A few weeks ago, my good friend Robert and I decided to grab a cold one at his local watering hole.

There, I met Russel, one of the regulars. We bought Russel a beer, as he was broke. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just had to pay R9,000 maintenance for my ex-stepdaughters.”

His story was heartbreaking. He met a woman, fell in love and asked her to marry him. She has two daughters from a previous marriage, but the girls’ deadbeat dad hardly contributed anything to their upbringing.

“If you marry me, you marry my daughters,” the love of his life said. “It’s a package deal.”

He adopted the girls, but soon afterwards they got divorced – apparently the woman was only looking for a father for her children and offered Russel an abusive, sexless relationship.

Stepdads have always received a bit of a raw deal when it comes to recognition of their role as parents. As one of their brethren, I feel responsible to champion their cause.

Stepfathers are men who make a deliberate choice to walk into an emotional minefield to accept a position vacated by another man. For us, rendering love and a positive influence is a matter of honour and manly pride. Yet, as is the case with Russel, all too often we are bullied into more than we are humanly capable of.

“Ah, the old Brady Bunch package deal fallacy,” a young man with a solid legal background told me when I discussed Russel’s situation with him. “It’s illegal to marry children in South Africa and if you use words as ambiguous as ‘package’ with the idea, you’re morally on shaky ground.”

A marriage is a legal agreement between two adults. The stepfather-stepchild relationship is one of affinity. While there is a binding duty of support between spouses, there is no such obligation between relations of affinity – it’s a matter of pride and commitment.

To be a husband and a stepfather are huge responsibilities, but to equate them, is to set yourself up for failure in both.

If you are a good stepfather, love and spoil your stepchildren and biological children alike this weekend and don’t expect recognition. You won’t get it.

We are the unsung heroes of modern society – the pride in our gaze is reward enough.

Dirk Lotriet. Picture: Alaister Russell

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