Sex is delicious and dirty, but sometimes, honestly disgusting. Yes. This isn’t porn, people. We really need to stop expecting our sex lives to be a scene from Emmanuelle.
This is actual sex, and as beautiful as it can be, we have bodies and they do things that could make things a little weird. Fluids and hair and noises and sweat – these are a few of our favourite (or not so favourite) things. But they’re the things that make sex more real and entertaining.
What’s unfortunate, of course, is that not all people view what the body does as natural and may instead allow it to ruin the moment. These things happen to most people, but we don’t always have sex with understanding people and, even more often, we may be in bed with the ones who want you to feel ashamed about the things your body – and theirs! – does.
Remember, you’re not the first person this has happened to and you definitely aren’t the last one. So let’s relax and have a quick chat about some of the top most embarrassing things that happen during and around sex to ease your mind.
Nothing is quite as awkward as being in the heat of the moment and that little (or even worse, loud) sound comes out and surprises you and your partner. Being on either side of that noise and smell can get pretty tense. But come on, everyone farts and it really is better if you both just laugh it off rather than make it a huge deal. There is a lot happening down there and even if you can feel it creeping up on you and can’t quite hold it in, it isn’t the end of the world if one sneaks out. Don’t let it get in the way of an orgasm, though you may want to open a window or two!
2. Vaginal queefs
Farts from the vagina. OMG, dig a hole and bury in me in it, right? Nah, let’s calm down a little. A queef is when some air is pushed into a small wet space that doesn’t usually get air in it and then is pushed out – the result? A farting noise. It is completely normal. You have something inside of you, things are hot and hard and the more positions you’re in (hey there, pornstar!) the more likely it is that it’ll happen. Once again? Laugh it off! Rearrange yourselves, try get the excess air out and keep going.
3. Strap-on awkwardness
Similar to that slightly awkward pause when your partner is putting a condom on, getting a harness for your strap-on onto your body can get tricky. No need to get embarrassed or apologetic, make it a show! Put that harness on with some eye contact, and let your partner know just what you’re about to do to them. Once the show gets started, you may struggle with it but try not to worry about it. You’re not the first person to use a harness and if those buckles come undone, it may ride up, but wear it with confidence! Maybe put some practice into it before your partner is even around. Strap right up, wear and play with it until you feel comfortable.
4. Too many fluids
A little squirt never hurt anybody, but some people may be under the impression that you’re just peeing on their bed. Fact is, if your partner gets turned off by the fact that you had an orgasm that made you squirt (and now you’re even wetter to continue!) then they shouldn’t let the door hit them on the way out. Worst-case scenario, you soak through the sheets and just hope your partner has a mattress protector. Wipe each other down and offer to take the sheets with you for laundry if that will make you feel a little better.
5. Struggling to cum
Lucky are those who have orgasms with a slight lick of their clit or a mouthful of their shaft, but those who struggle to get to the big O can make things awkward pretty fast. This is, of course, gendered. It does seem to be more uncomfortable when the person with the penis cums faster when the one with the vagina takes forever, but the way to work through either is to be a little less self-conscious. Don’t fake your way through it! Focus on the sexy things, engage in some oral sex, maybe take a break and start again, or perhaps try some new techniques.
6. Period sex
Aunt Flo arriving without a call? Don’t be embarrassed! You’re the one with the period and your partner should be more aware of reality – sometimes periods come at the most inconvenient times. Some people get completely turned off by the thought of period sex, but if you’re into it, why allow a little blood to get in the way of your fun? Lay a towel down and try something new 😉
7. Sex injuries
Fun does come with a cost, and when things get heated and nasty, one can’t be completely surprised at a few bumps and grazes. Carpet burn, a few bruises, a sprained something or other – I can’t be the only person obsessed with the show Sex Sent Me to the ER, right? Depending on how serious the injury is, the aim is to remain calm and do what you can. Google remedies to the small injuries and seek help for the bigger ones. I’m speaking to adults here, so I know I don’t have to emphasise that we should all play safe so that our injuries don’t eventually arrive in the form of STIs. Use those condoms and dental dams, and play safe and consensually out there!
8. Uncooperative body parts
Hard time getting it up? A little dry? Arm cramp or dead legs? Patience, little grasshopper. Once again, all these are normal! Try not to get embarrassed and engage in a little more foreplay, explore some new flavours of lube and take a break! Sex is a lot of work when you’re doing it right and if your partner doesn’t understand, it’s easy to direct them to the door and use your own hands.
9. Gagging during a blowjob
Few people are born without the gag reflex, which is necessary for deep-throating. While gagging is understandable, if you aren’t aware of where your limits are, you could end up like a friend of mine who unexpectedly mixed vomit with pleasure. Don’t get overambitious and take on too much – allow yourself to recover when you do gag and, I guarantee, your skills will only continue to improve when you know when to ease back.
10. Milky titties
“OMG, I’m sorry!” aren’t words you should have to exclaim when your partner sees a little white liquid. You could be pregnant, breastfeeding or may have given birth recently, and it’s normal to lactate a bit. Wipe it away and continue. You’re beautiful and deserve to have someone play with your nipples.
- To chat to The Citizen’s sex columnist or ask Tshegofatso a question, you can drop her a (friendly) email on email@example.com