Columns 18.11.2016 12:31 pm

Why has she stopped wanting sex?

Picture: iStock

Picture: iStock

The Citizen’s sex columnist answers some of the readers’ most difficult questions.

You readers sure are spicy! I put my email address at the bottom of each article so that you can share that very spice with me. Every month I’ll put together some emails I receive and share them here as well as answer some burning questions. Is there anything you’re struggling with you may need a hand with? Any funny and interesting sex stories? Holla at me!

Here are some I chose for this month.

Explain the term ‘cishet men’

Great question!

Sometimes the terms we use can get complex if you aren’t able to break them down. So let’s do just that. The word cishet refers to a person who is cisgender and heterosexual. I use it when I speak about someone who identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth. So if your birth certificate says you were born a boy, you self-identify as a man, and you are heterosexual then you are a cishet man.

My girlfriend of two months and I are struggling with intercourse. I’m a guy with an average penis. She is, however, not keen on sex. No matter how lubricated (I can feel the mouth of her vijayjay) she is, she still complains of sex to a point of not wanting it any more. Is there any logical biological reason for this? I believe a vagina can stretch to accommodate a baby. How much less of an effort to accommodate a penis?

Let’s address a few quick things before I give my opinion on how you can address your partner’s desire for sex with you.

I think you need to get to the idea of sex and pleasure in a way that isn’t all about your penis being accommodated. It isn’t about whether her vagina can accommodate your penis and more about the feeling that having sex with you is giving her. Additionally, her being lubricated has nothing to do with her desire for sex. Being wet isn’t an indication of desiring sex, it’s merely a biological response. You need to be able to base her desire for sex on more than what her vagina does. You’ve come this far and asked for help, now engage and appreciate her as more than her vagina.

Have you and your partner spoken about what would make engaging in sex more regular for her? Have you tried other ways of giving her pleasure other than penetrative sex?

Perhaps she feels you’re moving too fast and not focusing on what she needs?

When she “complains” about sex do you listen and engage her in order to find out what it is she needs? My point with all these questions is that you need to communicate, ask her some of these questions and see where her mind is at. You could find that the answer is simply a low desire for sex because she’s tired, or perhaps because she’s bored. Why not try something new?

Pleasure her (and only her) without focusing on penetrating her. Give her a massage, rub her feet and remind each other why you’re together.

You’ve only been together for two months, you should still be having sex any and everywhere! Find ways to make sex exciting for you again and I’m sure you’ll find a balanced road to pleasure.

My partner and I were blessed with a beautiful daughter on August 3rd. It means she’s three months old. I am struggling to get to have sex with her now. I mean, she’s always quiet. I think she lost interest in sex. I tried to speak with her about it several times but it seems like I am annoying. I really don’t what to do it any more. 

She used to be open to me and love everything we do; sometimes we even wake up at night and talk, but now all those things are not happening. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I am not working. Because all these things were happening during the time I was working. I really don’t know. Please help me. 

Congratulations to you and your partner on bringing new life to the world!

Your partner gave birth a mere three months ago, after nine months of carrying a baby. That’s a huge feat, so she needs love, tenderness and a little more appreciation right now. Birth, recovering from it and wanting sex again (if the libido lowers) differs for all people who give birth and you need to give your partner the time she needs. There are a few reasons why she possibly isn’t interested in sex right now.

She’s exhausted! The past nine months have done a lot to her body, mind and emotions and sex is most likely just not something she considers a priority right now. Taking care of the baby and herself is a lot to do and she needs you to help her rest. Being a new parent is a lot of work and I’m sure you’re both tired, but give her some time by herself, take shifts with the baby and give her time that she doesn’t get when she has to breastfeed, nurture, feed and take care of your bundle of joy. Be attentive to what she needs and focus less on just getting sex but ensuring your dynamic is healthy and happy.

She may also still be getting comfortable with her body post-birth. She could be worried about discomfort, not experiencing sex in the same way or even pain during sex. Has she mentioned any of this to you? Perhaps start the conversation with, “what can I do to make this better for you?” If she’s being quiet during sex perhaps you should stop and focus on her. Make sure she’s comfortable and happy. After all, she did just give birth. You may not understand everything she’s going through and communication is vital while you’re both figuring out your new baby. You may feel as though you’re being annoying but do check on her.

Perhaps she needs space and quiet sometimes, if she isn’t responding to you wanting to speak to her maybe give her exactly that. Make a fuss of her, cater to what she needs right now and, with time, appreciation and consideration you could find yourselves being happy and healthy in your relationship and sex life.

  • To chat to The Citizen’s sex columnist or ask Tshegofatso a question, you can drop her a (friendly) email on hello@mbongomuffin.com

 

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