Inside ANC’s election strategy meeting: Behold dancing Queen Mbaks

Why, the Comrades wondered, as they lit the gas lamps, did Mbaks want to hold the ANC election strategy meeting in the basement of Luthuli House?

It was darker down here and there was no electricity, just like the office floors, because there was no money to pay the bill.

They hadn’t been paid for three months and tired of being blamed for the mess-up with the failure to register candidates.

The Comrade Politicians were the ones who gave the orders.

Suddenly, there was a roar and the gold foilwrapped Range Rover Supercharged belonging to Mbaks squealed into view.

The office Comrades rolled their eyes.

Mbaks loves a show… Once the convoy of close-protection vehicles had parked – and this took 10 minutes because there were so many of them – the back door of the Range Rover opened.

Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a glitter-covered, kneehigh, white leather platform boot swung out, followed by another and Mbaks, resplendent in a glitter-coat and ’70s sunglasses, followed.

The tailgate of the massive vehicle rose silently.

Then, booming from the 15 speakers in the Bang & Olufsen sound system, the ’70s blasted right at them:

Waterloo

I was defeated, you won the war

Waterloo

Promise to love you for ever more

Mbaks, clearly having the time of his life, was jiving to the music of the Swedish pop giants.

“Bloody dancing queen…” muttered one.

As the music faded, Mbaks spoke: “Comrades, I have spent the last few days watching the revival of Abba. They are making a comeback and so can we!”

When nobody applauded, he continued, “Our election strategy shall follow their lead and we shall march with them into glory! Our campaign shall be called ABBA – ANC. Better, Best, Always.”

There were some polite hand claps, but after all, the people at Luthuli House has seen this movie before and, if it wasn’t for competition from that newspaper across the road, Luthuli House would qualify as “Dumb and Dumber, Sauer Street”.

“Chief,” said one worker, “You do know Waterloo was a defeat?”

“No!” roared Mbaks, “It is a railway station and I will build a better one for our bullet train!” “Comrades! We want the voters to say …”

Mbaks paused to cue the music: I love you I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

“But, chief,” someone interjected, “How do we say to them: Take a chance on me; Gonna do my very best; And it ain’t no lie when we have lied to them and disappointed them for 27 years?”

Mbaks fiddled with the sound system and the sounds of The Winner Takes It All poured out.

I don’t wanna talk

About things we’ve gone through

Though it’s hurting me

Now it’s history

“Comrades, this is the point: The winner takes it all The loser’s standing small “If we don’t win, we will surely be playing S.O.S. over and over again!

“Comrades! We must never lose sight of the great mission of great organisation, but Abba says it much better than I ever could!

Money, money, money

Always sunny

In the rich man’s world…