Diets are rigged – ask my dog, the whippopotamus

The dog and I are on diet. For me, it’s the story of my life.

For the dog it’s a whole new world, or rather half a world, because her portions have been cut.

She is a whippet, a smaller cousin of the greyhound, so is by nature a skinny creature, streamlined, built for speed. Or was.

Once, I could put my hands around her waist. Now, I need another hand.

My whippet has become a whippopotamus.

When we adopted her she was already fully-grown, weighing a healthy 14.5kg. When she hit 16.5kg, the vet said she mustn’t put on another gram.

Alas, she did. She put on 2 000 of them.

Like many of us, her problems began with a bout of sadness because her best buddy died, then ageing, then lockdown happened, and then I went away to see my family for six weeks and the dog started comfort eating.

Apparently she made puppy-dog eyes at Himself and was picking at her food – by which I mean she wasn’t eating enough to please him – so he cooked her twice-daily meals of chicken and rice.

She found an appetite for that alright, and then more of the same. In addition, her walks got shorter because Himself was run ragged, so a 15-minute trot around the park became the norm.

When I arrived home she had developed cleavage, and weighed 18.5kg.

So now Juno and I are dieting, with balanced meals and smaller portions, while the little treats we felt we earned have stopped, and (for me) there’s no alcohol on weekdays.

We go for long walks together again. It’s been three months. So how much has the dear little whippopotamus lost?

A whole… 200g. Me? One stupid kilogram.

And this, my friends, is conclusive proof that the throwaway weight-loss advice so glibly handed out to “eat less, exercise more” is simplistic nonsense.

Yes, I might lie, I might cheat, but I know my dog’s not cheating because she has no opposable thumbs: she cannot open treat cupboard doors.

Weight loss is a long, hard slog – dog or human – with messy metabolisms and changed circumstances and genetics and ageing and hormones at play.

Also, some bodies are naturally inclined to store excess baggage in case of emergencies.

Ask me. Ask my dog.