Michelle Loewenstein
3 minute read
12 Aug 2015
6:00 am

Hell hath no fury like a Women’s Day pawned

Michelle Loewenstein

After careful consideration, I’ve decided that I should be allowed one of those handicapped parking stickers due to the fact that I have girl parts.

It’s only fair. People with disabilities are allowed to park in those spots, and apparently the fact that I have ovaries seems to make me disabled in the eyes of my country. A day has even been dedicated to my plight, where women are celebrated for their brave pursuit of happiness despite being handicapped by breasts.

I’d also like The Citizen to supply me with Miss Bic pens for everyday use. As a female, it’s very clear that I can only use pens specially designed to appeal to my very delicate sensibilities.

I also feel that the ladies at my synagogue have failed me. While they coo over the fact that I’m single, they have yet to find me a suitable husband.

After seeing how much validation Jennifer Aniston has received since her marriage, I have reached the conclusion that I will only achieve true happiness by entering into a relationship deemed normal by society at large. I’ll then use my aforementioned disability (girl parts) to produce 2.5 children.

I mean, Jen was clearly miserable before she tied the knot. She must be after losing a catch like Brad Pitt all those years ago. Did you see her in We’re the Millers? The woman was clearly dealing with her sorrow over her lack of nuptials by looking hot at 46 and earning heaps of money. Poor thing.

As for my career, which after writing this will hopefully be peppered with happy purple pens, I think I need to change my mind-set.

While I have managed to hold down a job by thinking like a woman, the only way I will get any further in my career is by thinking like a man.

I’ll also be very careful not to get too carried away by any form of exercise. I would hate to become too muscular and not look like a girl. What if people compare me to Serena Williams? She’s won every tennis accolade known to man, but she’s not as petite as Taylor Swift so I’d hate to emulate her.

Does this all sound ridiculous to you? It’s all pretty preposterous to me too but if popular opinion is anything to go by, everything mentioned above is what society wants.

As it happens I do own one of Bic’s infamous Miss Bic pens. It’s pink and I love it. I also used it while sitting at a drumkit on Saturday. Collective gasp by the Jen-wedding-loving, Serena-hating, Women’s-Day-Punting masses – yes, a girl can play the drums.

Hey Bic, here’s an idea: how about using a picture of a woman rocking out on the drums before using your pink pen, or signing off a major deal in a boardroom with one, instead of pandering to societal norms or putting up offensive memes from idiotic blog posts? You’ll be surprised how much support you get from those of us who get along just fine without thinking like a man.