Handling criticism from your obnoxious teen

When  Jessica Horn – a mom of three – was leaving the house for an important work meeting, her 14-year-old daughter said, “You’re going to a meeting? You look like you’re going to bed!”

Unfortunately, such criticism is widespread among teenagers, and experts suggest that engaging in impolite behaviour is a rite of passage for them. However, navigating teenage disrespectful behaviour without losing your mind can be difficult.

“Part of growing up is building a sense of identity that is immersed with others while also distinguishing ourselves from others,” says Michael Ungar, an expert in Child, Family, and Community Resilience. Because of this growing sense of self, children begin to think more critically as they enter their adolescent years.

The adolescent mind is programmed to apply critical thinking to main role models, thus knocking parents off their pedestals. However, just because critical, and even rude conduct, is commonplace, it does not mean it should be ignored or go unpunished.

How to handle your rude teen

Is your adolescent’s behaviour hurting your feelings? Use these methods to deal with unwanted criticism – and to elicit more love from your tween or teen who believes you can’t do anything right:

1. Try not to take it personally

In almost every scenario, your teenager’s constant criticism isn’t about you. According to Ungar, it’s about your adolescent’s need to be autonomous and push the boundaries. Teenage brain development makes it challenging for children to manage their changing emotions and control their impulses and responses.

2. Take it with a pinch of salt

If your daughter criticises your clothes or makeup, consider asking her to accompany you on a shopping trip or to demonstrate a new beauty technique. If your son complains about your sloppy vegetables, ask him to cook for the family or show you a different technique to prepare vegetables. Giving teenagers a voice may alleviate their desire to show their developing independence in obnoxious ways.

3. Let the minor remarks go

Critiques and disrespectful behaviour may irritate you, but they don’t always necessitate a response. “Often, ignoring the minor stuff is the greatest thing you can do,” says Katherine Lewis, licensed parent educator and author of The Good News About Bad Behaviour. Maintain your cool and make any discussion brief and to the point.

4. Define boundaries

While it makes sense to avoid engaging with a child’s rudeness, it is also critical to teach teens how to express themselves responsibly. Determine ahead of time which actions must be addressed and which should be ignored.

For example, you can opt to ignore minor criticisms while refusing to tolerate swearing or name-calling. Simply make sure your child understands which acts are inappropriate, and then devise realistic punishments that fit the crime. Instead of taking away your child’s gaming system, decide not to cook his dinner or buy his favourite ice-cream,” Ungar suggests. You can say something like, “I will not be of service to someone who treats me unkindly.”

5. Be a positive role-model

Parents have several opportunities to teach respectful behaviour, particularly when they disagree with someone or believe they have been treated unfairly. If you make fun of how your teen wears or what they do in their spare time, your teen is likely to respond in kind.

Similarly, if you yell, scream, or try to demand respect, you’re inviting a power conflict. So, instead of shouting, “You’re rude!” when your kid says anything cruel or disrespectful, try something like, “It hurts my feelings when you .” Alternatively, simply shout “Ouch” and exit the room.

6. Take note of good behaviour

Instead of constantly chastising your children for disrespectful behaviour, compliment them when they demonstrate it. It is critical to recognise and reward children for good behaviour. When they’re having a difficult day, look at it as an opportunity for both of you to practice.