You’ve got me in stitches!

Every so often, when the moon just happens to be in the right phase, my dear wife gets a brain wave. It happened again last Sunday, as I was scanning the Sunday Times for some scintillating scraps from sexy stories, and lubricating my gullet with a pint of the best wallop, when she says,

“Why don`t you do something?” I looked up, “I am doing something,” I say, rustling the paper like mad, “I`m reading the blessed newspaper.” “No, no!” she said, “Something with more purpose, something civic minded.”

“Like what?” I ask, remembering that the last time I did something civic minded, like collecting for the blind, I got mugged! “Why don`t you volunteer for Hospital duty, and read to some of the old people, poor souls, they are so lonely lying there, you could cheer them up no end.”

Now that kind of service hadn’t occurred to me, what a splendid idea, why hadn`t I thought of that? So a couple of days later, I went and introduced myself to Matron.

“I’m Geoff Kennell,” I said, “And I`d like to help out in the wards.” “Experience?” The Matron snapped. She had stumped me in the first minute of the interview!

“I`ve been here as a patient three times,” I said.

“But I don’t want to do medical work, I just want to read to the old folks.” Looking up from the pile of papers on her desk, she peers at me over her glasses.

“The Reverend Bucknall does that,” she says, “It`s not good for patients to sleep day and night, can’t you do conjuring tricks, or something?” “I wasn’t going to read the Holy Bible,” I explain, “I thought a jolly good novel, something that might rejuvenate the old folks! The Matron softens, “Hmm, very well, try Ward B 10 after Doctors rounds, oh and Mr. Kennell.”

“Yes Matron,” “Don’t try Lady Chatterleys Lover, they`ve all read it!” I dash home and give my wife the good news, “I’ve got the job, I start reading tomorrow.”

What’re you going to read to them?” she asks. Now without thinking, I immediately select a copy of School-Boy Howlers that I’ve had on my bookshelf for years. “This`ll do for starters,” I say.

“Now something for the ladies.” “How about this one from Barbara Cartland,” said my wife, Anxious to help, “That`ll really send `em!” Next day I introduced myself to the Sister.

“Help yourself,” she says. “They`re all yours, the boys on the left, and the girls on the right!” I try the left, and wander aimlessly into the ward. Six pairs of bloodshot eyes stare at me as I enter, my books tucked beneath my arm.

“Nurse!” One old boy yells out, thrusting a urine bottle towards me, “It`s damn near full, I need replacements.” My heart sinks, “Oh Lord, what have I let myself in for?”

Edging my way into the corner of the ward, I see a grey haired gentleman who is sitting propped up in bed. He`s on a drip, and there are tubes snaking out of his bedding.

“May I read to you Sir?” I ask with a smile, “I know how lonely it can be laying in hospital.”

He nods, and I open my book of Howlers. Here I must explain that these jokes are not at all funny to me anymore, because I know them all. I started to read. Well, the first one didn`t go down too well, but the second and third had the old boy really guffawing.

The fourth joke was a disaster! The old boy went into convulsions, and I had to run and call the Sister, who practically threw me out of the ward.

“What in the name of Glory have I done?”, I asked the Matron, who sent for me after the mishap. “Done!” she said, with a voice you could hear all over the hospital, “You undone all his bloody stitches and he`s had to go back into theatre, that`s what you`ve done.”

I ponder the situation, I haven`t even tried the ladies side. “I`ve still got `The thrust of the Sword’, by Barbara Cartland,” I say apologetically.

She looks daggers, “Don`t you think you`ve done enough damage?” she said, showing me the door.

So I`m back to reading the Sunday papers again.

What worries me is the fact that I left my copy of School-Boy Howlers in the ward.

If anyone gets hold of that, I could have the whole damned lot of `em back in the theatre again, without me even being there!