How to understand and raise a transgender child

Learning that your child is transgender can elicit a wide range of feelings, from confusion and loss to rage and fear, and will almost certainly leave you with many unanswered concerns. Learn more about what it means to be transgender and what you can do to support your child’s development.

Learn more about gender identity and diversity

It’s normal for parents of transgender children to have unanswered queries regarding their child’s gender identity from friends, relatives, teachers, and acquaintances. According to GenderSpectrum.org, a nonprofit resource for “parenting children who don’t neatly fit into male or female boxes,” many people confuse “sex” (the biological determination of boy or girl, relating to one’s physical anatomy) and “gender” (one’s subjective sense of self as male or female).

Consider this: because of the inflexible, oversimplified assumption that gender=sex, wearing nail polish or climbing trees brings up either “girl” or “boy” in our imaginations. Gender is significantly more varied and diverse than “boy” or “girl” and should be viewed as a spectrum. Some people strongly identify as male or female, while others identify somewhere in the middle or with the opposing sex.

What is transgender?

A transgender person is someone whose gender identity differs from their natal sex. A transgender child will establish their gender firmly over time (for example, proclaiming “I’m a girl” from a young age, despite having male genitalia) and will insist that they are in the incorrect body or that God made a mistake in allocating their bodily parts. Trans is a commonly used abbreviation for transgender. A transgender girl, often known as a transgirl, is a person who was born with male genitalia but prefers to identify as female. A transgender boy, often known as a transboy, is someone who was born with female genitalia but prefers to identify as male. Genderqueer refers to someone who does not identify as wholly masculine or entirely female. Transsexual is an earlier term for transgender that is being phased out because it sounds too clinical.

What is gender non-conforming?

A gender-nonconforming individual is someone whose behaviours and interests, such as dress and toys, do not correspond to cultural expectations for their biological sex. Gender-nonconforming children are less adamant about expressing their gender than transgender children, but they will stubbornly assert what toys they like and don’t like, clothes they will and won’t wear, or activities they do or don’t prefer regardless of their assigned gender.

While transgender persons are considered members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) community, gender identity is not the same as sexual orientation; transgender children can grow up to be straight, gay, or bisexual just like anyone else.

Allow your child to experiment with gender

Allow your child, regardless of age, time and place, to express their gender. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to the question “Is my child transgender?” nor a specific plan of action if your child is transgender. “Don’t hold them back or push them forward until they know who they are,” family therapist Jean Malpas says. “Allow them to demonstrate how they see themselves and who they are becoming. Allow kids to choose their own clothes and toys to the extent that it is safe and appropriate for everyone at home.”

Between the ages of 2 and 4, most children have a notion of their gender identification and will announce “I’m a boy” or “I’m a girl.” If your young child consistently expresses the opposite gender from what is expected (for example, your son wants to wear hair accessories every day, or your daughter always wants to wear boys’ underwear), it may be tempting to dismiss your child’s behaviour or statements as “confusion” or “just a phase.”

Children who persevere in their conduct and statements, on the other hand, are usually expressing their real gender and want to be taken seriously. Avoid attempting to “cure” or “affect” your child’s gender identity. Gender is “hardwired” in the brain, according to research, and is not the result of a mental or physical ailment — or of something a parent did or did not do (for example, getting a divorce or using a certain parenting style). Only time will tell if your transgender child wishes to “transition” (adopt their preferred clothing style, haircut, name, and pronoun).

Support your child, no matter what

If you believe or know your child is transgender, consult with your paediatrician (or another qualified physician or therapist) about how to support your child. Only work with professionals that affirm your child’s gender identity rather than attempting to change it.

Many transgender people suffer from depression or significant mental anguish as a result of expressing their gender identity, and this can occur at any age. A doctor may diagnose a person with gender identity disorder (GID) or gender dysphoria if their feelings of despair or frustration about their gender reach clinically significant levels.

While gender identity is neither a mental nor physical disorder, the designation of GID allows a person to receive health care tailored to the needs of transgender people. Qualified healthcare professionals can advise you on how to assist your child in transitioning into their authentic gender identification using internationally recognised procedures published by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health.

Demonstrate unconditional love and support

Transgender or gender non-conforming children face a difficult path ahead, with potentially severe treatment from their peers, school, relatives, and the wider public. What kids most need is their parents’ and family’s constant love and support. You may feel like you’re on a rollercoaster of emotions, but try to stay calm, gentle, and present for your child. Avoid taking out your frustrations on your child, who may already be depressed or struggling.

According to studies, when their parents encourage their gender expression, children are happier and healthier.

Safeguard your child’s rights and safety

Unfortunately, a large number of transgender youngsters are teased, tormented, or assaulted. Many transgender adolescents drop out of school due to maltreatment by peers and even adults. Keep an eye out for indicators of bullying, and frequently communicate with your child’s teachers about his or her treatment and behaviour at school. Request that your child’s school implement a zero-tolerance policy for teasing and bullying, and that pupils sign an anti-bullying pledge.

Find resources and support groups for transgender children

Parental coaching and education, parent support groups, and child and family therapy have all been proven in studies to help families negotiate the demands and transition of a transgender child. It is typical for parents to fear “‘losing their son’ or ‘losing their daughter’ as a result of their child’s gender identification and presentation.

Your family and friends may share your loss and confusion, and they may be resistant to recognising your child’s gender identification and decision to transition. Counselling for couples or families may be beneficial at this stressful time. Direct relatives and friends to educational materials that will assist them in understanding.