What to do if your child’s ADHD behaviour drives people crazy
If you have a child with ADHD, it’s important to set reasonable expectations and come across as their ally rather than their critical adversary.
Having a child with ADHD can be challenging and affect your relationship with family and friends, especially if your child’s disorders manifest in impulsivity, defiance, exhausting rituals, tantrums, or aggression. The good news is that there are ways you can help your child’s behaviour.
We chat with Susan Stiffelman, a licensed marriage, family, and child therapist and the author of sixteen books, including The Myth of the ADHD Child.
A word on developmental lag
“The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the part of the brain behind the forehead that governs the inhibitory response in human beings. It creates a pause between having an impulse and acting on it,” explains Susan.
“In the ADHD children and teens I’ve worked with, I almost always see up to a 30% developmental lag between a child’s actual age and their PFC developmental function. In other words, while your child may officially be 12 or 13 years old, for example – and might be quite mature in some respects – your child may be more like an eight or nine-year-old when it comes to controlling their impulsive behaviour. If your ADHD child frequently frustrates friends and teachers, it’s most likely that they are highly sensitive to feeling scolded or reined in by those who try to force them to ‘act their age’. Any effort you make to teach your child how to behave more appropriately will have to come across as helpful rather than critical or shaming.”
4 Ways to cope with an ADHD child
Susan offers the following advice:
- Make sure your child sees you as their ally and champion rather than a source of non-stop criticism. The more your child feels safe to confide in you, the more receptive they’ll be to asking for better strategies when they get into trouble or alienates a new friend.
- Give your child plenty of opportunities to participate in activities they love that come easily to them and fuel their self-confidence (other than video games or TV). Many impulsive children feel they’re constantly failing or disappointing others, which keeps them in a state of stress that fuels their misbehaviour.
- Make sure your child gets plenty of sleep, good nutrition, fish oils, and lots of time out in nature. These elements have been proven to help ADHD children function better and are especially important when you fold adolescent hormones into the mix!
- Above everything, love your child. Remember that as frustrating as it is to have to deal with your child’s mishaps, the more you accept them as is – rather than comparing your child to what I call your ideal “snapshot child” – the better able you’ll be to gradually help them try new ways of interacting with those around them more patiently.
