Meeting other parents at your child’s sporting events

If your child has reached the age at which (s)he is now involved in organised sports, you’ll likely be excited to see him trot around the field, laugh with his friends and learn some sportsmanship.  You might even be looking forward to meeting other parents at the same time.

Let’s take a look at 10 different parents you’re destined to meet at your kid’s sporting event:

Type 1: The anti-social parent

Trying to start a conversation with these people during the event is worse than pulling teeth. They hide behind their phones and pretend to be too busy, so no one will bother them. After the game, they run for the car.

Type 2: The perfect parent

These people spend the entire hour bragging about how their kid is the best at everything they do. They point out their kid’s actions in every step of the game and how they are obviously the star of the game.

Type 3: The space cadet parent

These parents are burned out with life in general. They stare off into oblivion, not noticing, or even pretending to care, that their kid is cheating or bulldozing over all the other kids.

Type 4: The fashionista parent

These parents must have confused spring soccer with fashion week. A blow-out, red lips, and designer jeans aren’t necessary for a five-year-old’s soccer game. Plus, you’re making the rest of us look like hell – so tone it down, will you?

Type 5: The snack parent

Thank you, snack parent, for bringing my kid chocolate doughnut holes and juice to snack on right before lunch. That sugar high will keep him up for the next two days, or worse, make him vomit on the car ride home.

Type 6: The missed-their-calling-to-be-a-coach parent

Instead of actually volunteering to be a coach, these parents just yell demands from the sidelines. Their coaching skills are clearly better than that of the actual coaches.

Type 7: The helicopter parent

They hover on the sidelines ready to run across the field to protect their child. They usually make the game last longer by calling time-outs to check for injuries. Don’t worry, your kid doesn’t need an ambulance – he just tripped and fell on the grass.

Type 8: The angry parent

This parent freaks out, throws their hands in the air, pulls out their hair, and paces the field through the entire game when their child’s team is losing. This isn’t the World Cup people, no need to go crazy.

Type 9: The therapy session parent

These parents, who you met just five minutes ago, proceed to tell you about how their marriage is failing and they have to have a colonoscopy next week. First, I don’t know you, and second, I don’t want to visualise your ass getting poked for the next week. At least buy me dinner first, then I’ll listen to your stories and offer any opinion or advice.

Type 10: The dip-out parent

These parents can’t drop their kids off fast enough before speeding off in their minivans. Luckily for all the parents who do attend, we get to babysit their kids for them. Maybe I wanted to go down the street and chug a margarita at the Mexican restaurant, too.