What you should consider before sending that DM

When my husband decided to propose to me three years ago, he needed help picking out an engagement ring. He quickly realised he didn’t have phone numbers or email addresses for my friends and family, but since we were all connected on social media, he gathered opinions by sending direct messages over Facebook messenger. This was the best way to establish communication quickly and discreetly.

A direct message — DM — is a one-on-one conversation with another user hosted on a social media platform. Most of the places you spend your time online — like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn and so on — offer some form of DM communication.

“In 2019, if social media is your résumé, DM is your inbox,” said Natalie Zfat, a social media expert. You can DM just about anyone, whether you know them or not, without needing to know their contact information. And, unlike email, DMs let you know when your message has been seen.

“The barrier to communicating with people outside your realm socially, professionally and geographically is shrinking,” said Margaret Morris, a clinical psychologist and author of “Left to Our Own Devices: Outsmarting Smart Technology to Reclaim Our Relationships, Health and Focus.” However, just because it might be easy to send a private message doesn’t mean your note will be effective or without risk. A DM is tantamount to sitting across the table from someone who has given you their time and their openness, Dr. Morris said. You want to use that opportunity well.

Even though it’s common, sending a DM remains an intimate and slightly mysterious corner of social media. Here’s what to keep in mind when reaching out to people in your personal and professional lives, along with some tips on communicating with commercial brands so you have a better chance of breaking through the noise and getting a positive response.

Personal relationships 

Keep it short. Think a few sentences, not several paragraphs. “When DMing, give the recipient the information they need,” Ms. Zfat said. If you’re interested in continuing the conversation, suggest moving it over to email within the first two or three messages.

Don’t make demands. “If you’ve never sent somebody a message before, your first message to them should never be a request of them,” said Luvvie Ajayi Jones, a speaker and New York Times best-selling author of “I’m Judging You: The Do-Better Manual.” Ms. Ajayi, who hosts the “Rants & Randomness” podcast, said that it can come off as inauthentic if your first message to someone is a “help me do this thing” plea.

Avoid chasing someone across several platforms. Ms. Ajayi doesn’t like it when people send her DMs across multiple platforms hoping to catch her attention.

“You could’ve just sent one email as opposed to five DMs to get me to respond,” she said.

Be interesting. Use your introductory message to offer something relevant to the person you’re DMing (a video, a song, an article), and say, “Here’s something I thought you’d enjoy.” Dr. Morris said this can be a quick way to show some personality, intellect and taste without explicitly saying: “These are my interests.”

It might feel like a private exchange, but don’t assume it is. “Keep in mind that anything we write through direct messaging could become part of a public post,” Dr. Morris said. This happens not only in cases of sexual harassment, but also when someone has responded either in a discouraging way or reached out to someone in a way that doesn’t feel appropriate. Act accordingly.

Professional contacts 

Explain why you’re reaching out. Be specific. Don’t ask if you can pick their brain, said Alison Green, who runs the Ask a Manager blog. This is such a vague request that most people don’t know what you’re looking for or how they can be helpful. Pose precise questions, such as, “I’m wondering about the following two things.”

Check your DMs regularly, especially your requests folder. This way you won’t miss out on any professional opportunities, Ms. Zfat said. “Ninety-two percent of H.R. people use social media before making hiring decisions,” she said. “DM might not be the place you sign the contract, but it could be the place you first shake hands.”

Let people know how you’d like to be contacted. Consider sharing your email address in your social media profiles, along with a note that lets people know how you want them to connect with you and what you wish to connect over. “You can follow and connect with people all day long, but unless they know how and why to reach out to you, the ball will remain in your court,” said Cynthia Johnson, digital marketer and author of “Platform: The Art and Science of Personal Branding.” “Take the time to set up a communication flow that works for you.”

Be realistic. If you admire a person in your field or industry, chances are that other people do, too. “People are stretched very thin and it’s probably not personal if they don’t respond to you,” Ms. Green said. In fact, Ms. Ajayi said she gets hundreds of DMs every day. “DMs are so casual, so easy to miss,” she said. “If I have a busy day, my DMs are the last place I’m checking.”

Email is still the safest bet … for now. If your direct message is unanswered, you might wonder if you should’ve reached out over email. “I think you’d worry about it less if you had sent an email instead,” Ms. Green said. “Email feels the most reliable.”

You’re allowed one follow-up email if your DM is unanswered. Experts agree that this is generally the limit. You risk appearing pushy if you reach out in different ways too many times. Saying something like, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I just want to make sure that you saw that I asked you about X,” can help buffer any potential blowback, Ms. Green said.

Commercial brand

Be nice. “Always keep in mind that there is a human on the other side of a DM who cares about you and your experiences with their brand,” said Carly Bigi, founder and chief executive officer of Laws of Motion, a direct-to-consumer womenswear company. Sure, it can feel good to rant, but remember the customer service representative wants to help you find a solution.

The more details you can provide upfront, the better. “A clear description of the product or experience issue will jump-start a brand’s ability to fix the problem,” Ms. Bigi said. Including pictures will also help determine the best next step.

Leave the company C.E.O. out of it. What doesn’t work, Ms. Johnson said, is tagging a chief executive in a complaint over social media. It’s wiser to direct grievances or questions to a dedicated customer service account. They’re trained to fix your problem.

Share feedback. Critiques not only allow teams to fix any problems on their end, but they also help brands get smarter with their approach, Ms. Bigi said. Thanks to your comments, they’ll be able to make adjustments to their products and further develop their technology.

Keep at it. “The truth is the technology malfunctions,” Ms. Johnson said. She recommends trying to connect with customer service accounts two or three times to ensure your concern is addressed, as there’s always a possibility of human error. Maybe the person who was supposed to respond to your question quit that day. “It’s a complicated thing,” she said. “So don’t necessarily get upset at the first time and try again.”

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