How to stop your child from whining

Little kids are diabolically engineered to make their parents do what they want. That’s the overwhelming impression I got when I talked to a bunch of academics about the origins of whining. So how do you get your whiny kid to cut it out already?

IGNORE THE BEHAVIOUR

Dr. Dunya Poltorak, a paediatric medical psychologist in private practice in Birmingham, Mich., said the first thing to know is that disciplining children for whining can backfire. “Scolding or disciplining can inadvertently reinforce the behaviour. They’re looking for a response; when they don’t get a positive response, they’ll go for the negative one,” Dr. Poltorak said. Children look to you to model behaviour, so if you’re yelling, “I can’t stand it when you do that, you drive me crazy!” you’re basically teaching them to give that right back to you.

Dr. Poltorak recommended finding a calm moment and sitting down with your child, saying something like: “I love listening to you and I love helping you. Let’s practice using our nicest words to ask for help, because if you whine or cry or scream, I won’t be able to help you.” Then you need to follow through and ignore your kid when she asks for something in a whiny voice.

CATCH THE WHINE BEFORE IT STARTS

Another tactic is to try to observe your child’s particular behavioural signs that tend to lead up to a whine, so that you can give her positive attention before it even starts. But this isn’t always possible, especially if your child starts whining every time you attempt to have a conversation with another adult.

BEAT THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME

Nicholas S. Thompson, an emeritus professor of psychology and biology at Clark University, offered this last strategy, speaking more as an experienced grandpa than as an academic psychologist. Dr. Thompson whines right back at his grandchildren, telling them: “I’m the expert on whining, and you’re not even doing it right. Let me teach you how to whine properly.” The second his grandchildren saw he was in on their game of manipulation, they got a funny look on their faces, and stopped.

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