Helping your toddler or pre-school child through frustration

Have you tried doing something so badly and repeatedly not getting it right? The frustration that stems from it can be immense and that’s exactly how it happens for children.

For little developing hands, feet and brains, navigating real-world tasks like stacking toys, playing a new game and tying shoes can be unsuccessful after the first few attempts. When they are still learning how to do things, frustration looms.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jenny Rose says “frustration is such an interesting emotion in children because they feel like the failure to finish the task is a reflection of their capabilities”.

When they can’t finish a task, they can easily feel inadequate, which then adds fuel to the fire.

For some kids, it can even lead to displays of anger, manifesting in biting, kicking, hitting, shoving and other forms of aggression.

Rose offers three important tips when it comes to helping your children self-regulate in moments of frustration.

Acknowledge them

“What may become more frustrating for children is when adults are dismissive of what they are experiencing,” Rose says.

When something does not go according to plan for a child, the resulting emotions can be overwhelming for them. Parents need to be mindful of this, acknowledging that as much as children are small humans, they are human and can get frustrated like adults. They are just less equipped to manage the frustration.

So, when your child screams due to frustration, instead of reprimanding them for the ensuing noise, acknowledge that the frustration has a source, which needs to be addressed. Focusing on the negative reaction is dismissive to the root emotion.

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Empower them by naming the frustration

After taking notice of your child’s recurring emotions from struggling to finish an activity, you can teach them to name the emotion. Generally, we have better control over things we are aware of.

“I can see that you are frustrated right now,” Rose suggests parents tell their children. Then your children know that what they are feeling is frustration and can even name it the next time they experience it.

After naming the emotion, teach them how they can better channel that emotion. Encourage them to be more persistent and try again if needs be. If it’s an activity that you can guide them in undertaking, like tying shoes properly or stacking blocks, then that could help alleviate the problem

Model for them

After helping them name the emotion, you can be a role model for how to self-regulate strong emotions. Parents can try “mommy gets frustrated sometimes and when I do, I take a quick walk and come back to try again. Do you wanna try that next time?”.

Besides modelling how to better regulate emotion, Rose says parents can set achievable limits for children.

“Adults have to be mindful that sometimes we do things so quickly and capably, which can be frustrating for kids,” Rose says. Tying shoe laces is a trivial task for adults, but a mammoth one for a three-year-old child with tiny hands.

So, maintaining a slower pace and sometimes struggling through tasks sets expectations a little lower for children. When adults do things with ease, children also want to achieve them at the same pace and when that does not happen, trouble looms.

What is important is to note that children experiencing frustration is not unique. There is nothing wrong with your child if they display behaviour associated with intense emotions. They just need guidance and practice.