The affair truth: Cheaters are loving it, not losing sleep over it

Married folks stepping outside their vows aren’t exactly drowning in regret. In fact, a ground-breaking study suggests they’re having a great time, feeling emotionally and physically fulfilled, and believe their escapades haven’t wrecked their marriages.

The extensive survey, conducted on users of Ashley Madison, the infamous extramarital affairs website, challenges long-held assumptions about cheating.

The findings, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, challenged conventional beliefs about why people stray and how they feel about it afterwards.

Affair guilt, what guilt?

“In popular media, television shows and movies and books, people who have affairs have this intense moral guilt, and we don’t see that in this sample of participants,” said Dylan Selterman, the study’s lead author and a professor at Johns Hopkins University specialising in relationships and attraction.

His research found that, overall, affair-goers reported high levels of both emotional and sexual satisfaction. Regret? Not so much. “Ratings for satisfaction with affairs were high, both emotionally and sexually. Feelings of regret were low. These findings paint a more complicated picture of infidelity compared to what we thought we knew.”

Still in love, but seeking more

Selterman and his team surveyed nearly 2 000 active Ashley Madison users before and after they had affairs. Despite their wandering ways, many reported being in love with their spouses. The problem was a lack of sexual satisfaction.

Nearly half of the participants said they were no longer sexually active with their partners. While dissatisfaction in the bedroom was the leading reason for seeking an affair. Others cited a desire for independence and sexual variety.

Interestingly, fundamental relationship problems, like lack of love or anger toward a spouse, ranked among the least common motivations for cheating.

A strong marriage doesn’t stop affairs

Here’s the kicker: even those in seemingly solid marriages didn’t report much regret after their affairs. In fact, their satisfaction levels suggest that infidelity isn’t necessarily a sign of deeper relationship trouble.

“People have a diversity of motivations to cheat,” Selterman explained. “Sometimes they’ll cheat even if their relationships are pretty good. We don’t see solid evidence that people’s affairs are associated with lower relationship quality or life satisfaction.”

In an interview with Therapytips, Selterman said in previous studies, they’ve uncovered a range of motivations behind why people have affairs. Some are rooted in deeper issues within their relationships, like feelings of anger or neglect. “But interestingly, many motivations have little to do with the state of their partnerships at all,” he said.

He explained that for some, the desire for variety drives the behaviour, while others seek to reclaim a sense of independence and autonomy. There are also times when the choice to cheat is more situational, spurred on by factors like stress or intoxication.

Is monogamy just unrealistic?

The study raised big questions about the nature of monogamy. Selterman suggests that long-term exclusivity is harder than most people assume.

“The take-home point for me is that maintaining monogamy, especially across people’s lifespans, is really, really hard,” he said. “People just assume that their partners would be totally satisfied being with one person for the next 50 years of their lives, but many people fail at it. It doesn’t mean everyone’s relationship is doomed, but cheating might be a common part of people’s relationships.”

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