Building lasting relationships, manage stumbling blocks

FEBRUARY is synonymous to the celebration of love and romance with Valentine’s Day right at the centre.

All too often, however, lasting relationships seem to evade many of us. Let’s take a look at how one builds a lasting relationship and how we should manage stumbling blocks.

Akeso Clinics compiled a list relating to the topic of relationships and how to manage this integral component of human lives. Clinical psychologist at the Umhlanga branch, Sine Zungu gives insight.

What is romantic love?

People in love need not to make an announcement about their emotional state as the symptoms of romantic love are ‘unashamedly unmistakable’. They might spend much of their time thinking, but also speaking about their new partner. They begin to see their romantic interest as being special and unique and having intangible value to them. They also begin to focus specifically on the positive attributes of their partner, disregarding or underplaying the partner’s negative attributes. People should, therefore, engage in relationships with objectivity and emotion.

In the presence of their desired mate, they may also experience psychophysiological reactions such as increased heart rate and intense energy. Conversely, in the sustained absence of their beloved, they may become lovesick, experiencing appetite loss, sleeplessness, and panic at the thought of losing their mate, if they do not control their emotions. People who are in love are also known to show their reliance on the relationship in forms such as separation anxiety and jealousy.

What type of behaviours help a relationship last?

The complex cluster of emotions and behaviours that form romantic love motivate people into relationships with their desired mate. However, once the novelty of romantic love has lost its allure, a series of behaviours termed pro-relationship maintenance strategies by psychologists, help to maintain healthy romantic relationships.

The five key maintenance strategies include positivity, assurances, openness, sharing tasks and social networks. A study in 1991 by Statfford and Canary indicated that these strategies affect the extent to which partners commit to each other and report mutual liking and satisfaction within the relationship.

Unhealthy relationships

Conversely, in the absence of these effective pro-relationship behaviours, an unhealthy relationship may develop in which harmful behaviours such as sexual, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse happen. Ideally, romantic relationships should be in a space where both parties receive comfort, love, and assurance from each other. When the relationship causes one, or both parties psychological or physical harm, the relationship is no longer safe, especially for the vulnerable party.

A common example of an unhealthy relationship is a co-dependant relationship characterised by one partner enabling the other’s destructive behaviour (for example, substance addiction, irresponsibility), or chronic illness. Both parties become trapped in a cycle where one partner engages in harmful behaviour that places them in an endangered or helpless position, while the other enables its continuance by denying their own needs and compensating for the dysfunctional behaviour. Ultimately the relationship becomes one-sided and

emotionally abusive.

How common psychological disorders can affect relationships

Partners of people with chronic mental illnesses like major depressive disorder or generalised anxiety disorder, for example, are sometimes at a greater risk than the control population of finding themselves in a co-dependant relationship. If the partner with the psychological condition is unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own healing and recovery, this can cause a strain in the relationship, resulting in the other partner having to subdue their own needs to take care of the afflicted spouse.

However, this is not to say that it is impossible for people with chronic psychological conditions to enter into healthy relationships. Despite the challenges of the diagnoses, many patients are able to find love and acceptance in their beloved, and have their needs fulfilled in the relationship while also being able to play a meaningful role in the lives of their beloved. What is essential is a sense of mutual understanding and respect within the relationship, where the afflicted’s mental health status is understood and accepted with empathy rather than judgement.

It is also incredibly useful for the afflicted partner to engage in self-care activities, like continuing to take their medication, and seeing their therapist regularly. Sometimes couple’s therapy, or even having the spouse involved in the treatment process may be useful for the maintenance of the relationship.

Tips to build a healthy, happy, satisfying relationship

Love yourself – love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of the relationship you desire, not just any relationship that comes your way.

Know yourself – know where your insecurities lie, know what your own dynamics are. A person in control of himself will not want to control or be controlled by others.

Be honest – with yourself and the other person, especially about who you are and what you want.

Carefully evaluate the person you seek to be in relationship with – do you have compatible values?

Be willing to learn from the person you’re in a relationship with – healthy relationships are characterised by growth.

Find someone you can grow with, who will encourage your happiness and who will support you in your pursuit of your own dreams.

Healthy and stable relationships can be useful in adding to one’s sense of happiness and self-fulfillment. Love has the ability to impact not only one’s personal life, but also their mental health. The people we choose to include in our romantic lives can have lasting and long-term effects on how we feel about ourselves and love in general, therefore we should choose them wisely. It is useful to be patient, and kind with ourselves and the people we love.