Kathy’s Window: What to do when you realise your marriage is over

An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.

FOR some people, their marriage coming to an end is their greatest fear, and even thinking about it makes their stomach churn with dread. What if the love of my life becomes the hate of my life? What if we can’t sustain our relationship forever? What if my partner finds someone they want more than me? What if we grow apart?

This is a valid fear because divorce can be devastating and one of the most stressful things an adult can go through in their life. It’s good to have an idea of how to handle it if you are going through it in your life at present. Here are some tips I’ve learned from my separation and divorce:

1. The circle of grief

Once the decision has been made, you have to accept that your heart may not have totally come on board with it. Denial is one of the five stages of grief, and it doesn’t last forever. Be willing to navigate the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and acceptance – in no particular order or timeframe. It’s a messy, circular thing that can take years, if not a lifetime, to totally reach the acceptance stage. But that’s okay. How is it okay, you may ask? Because grief makes your heart softer and stronger and wiser at the same time. Just be aware that if the intense feelings of grief haven’t faded after a couple of years, or you are suffering from anxiety or depression on top of it, you may need to find support in the form of therapy, medication, etc. And therapy is beneficial at any stage of the process.

Also read: Steps you can take to help your child cope with divorce

2. Emotional support is a pillar of strength

Following on from the previous point – find emotional support wherever you can – from family, friends, religious leaders, professionals and possibly a support group. There is nothing more powerful than someone who understands what you’re going through or just offers a listening ear. I don’t know how I would’ve coped without a certain online friend and my sister-in-law. Their unconditional love and support were a pillar of strength. Tell others what you are feeling – don’t bottle things up – it’s a way to find healing. Being vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness, according to Brené Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher.

3. It’s not the time to take on a new project

Be gentle with yourself, not only in the emotional sense but also in the physical sense. When you’re grieving, your body needs rest. It’s a huge load to carry. Take time out to be by yourself (if you can cope with it), and don’t feel like you have to keep up with a rigorous exercise programme or food regime. It’s not the time to start a new business venture unless it’s essential for your financial survival. You’re allowed to say no to social engagements, but don’t isolate yourself. Although I didn’t really believe in the religion so much anymore, I went back to church again just to make sure I had a chance to interact with people on a regular basis. Eventually, I found other social groups that were more suited to me, but the friends I made at church really helped at the time.

Also read: Kathy’s Window: Get rid of the stigma

4. Be open to legal assistance

Get legal advice and assistance if that’s not your area of expertise. I was most grateful for a friend who knew a retired lawyer who offered to read through the divorce agreement for me. And I had a relative help me later. You want to make sure that you will be supported in the coming years if children are involved.

5. Navigating how much to tell the kids is never easy

Try not to offload too much on your children emotionally, especially if they are young teens or younger. And try not to break your partner down in front of them no matter how hurt or angry you feel. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse that separates and hurts families deeply. In a couple of years, you may regret your actions and the effect you’ve had on your children. If their other parent is not abusive towards them, then they need a relationship with that parent for their full emotional and mental development. But…don’t be too much of a stickler about not sharing your feelings with your kids. To have a strong relationship with them, they need to see you as human. Bottling your sadness up and pretending that all is fine, especially with older kids, isn’t authentic. If they see you overcome your initial overwhelming grief and grow stronger through it, you will provide them with tools should they face up to something similar later on in their lives. It’s a delicate balance, but you need to be open with your kids and also safeguard their emotional and mental well-being and know what you can share and what you can’t share. And don’t be hard on yourself when you mess up in this regard. You are human, after all.

5. Fall in love again – with yourself

Find yourself and fall in love with yourself again. This may not feel possible at the beginning when you’re overwhelmed with shock, pain or even betrayal, but you can start working towards it. In a long-term, committed relationship, no matter how healthy it may have been before it unravelled, you had to compromise a few of your own desires to make the relationship thrive. That’s not a bad thing, but there is a benefit in being single – taking some time to get to know what you like and don’t like without having to check in with someone else, except for your kids, of course. But, it’s different with them. Over the years, since you were last single, you likely have changed as a person. Get to know that person and pamper and be kind to that person. Take yourself out on dates (if you have the money although you can do some things for free like a walk at the beach or in a park); explore your area and go to activities or places you’ve never been to before; start a hobby or join a group like on Meetup or a book club, or a sports club. Get to know the little nuances of your personality. Put yourself first for a change. You deserve it.

6. The pitfalls of rushing headfirst into a new romance

Don’t start dating straight away! It’s not the time. I learned that the hard way and had some heavy knocks in the first year. You are so desperate to have someone in your life that you will settle for someone who is either toxic or doesn’t respect your boundaries, or even someone who is just not suitable for you. I remember reading some books or blogs that said you should take the time out to be single for a year for every five years you were married. That meant waiting four years for me. I was not impressed and thought it was a ridiculous expectation. Turns out, it was wise advice as I was only ready emotionally around the four-year mark. I had tried dating before that and ended up with the wrong people for me!

Of course, it depends on the state of your marriage when you parted ways because if you were alienated for years, you may be more ready, but it’s definitely not wise to start dating right away. Not only are you burdening yourself with the emotional work of getting to know someone and trying to make the relationship work when you should be focusing that energy on your own healing, but you’re burdening the other person with someone who may still have strong emotional attachments to their ex or trauma to work through. Of course, if you meet someone organically, who ends up being just right for you, that’s different, but take it slow still.

Also read: Women in the workplace: Why equal opportunities are no longer enough

7. Shame is a stinky bedfellow

No matter whether you were responsible for the dissolution of your marriage, or your partner was, or both of you were, holding onto shame is never healthy. You may be part of a religious or social community that prizes commitment in a marriage and looks down on or discourages divorce. But separation and divorce happen to good people, too, and it’s time to forgive yourself and work on forgiving your partner – only if forgiving brings release and healing to you. Forgiveness of another’s actions towards you is never an obligatory thing but rather something to embrace so you can move on – if that’s your vibe. But forgiving yourself is vital for your healing! You are amazing and precious – always remember that. What happened isn’t because you were unworthy or a bad person, or ugly or undesirable. You are worthy of love. We all are.

For more from the Highway Mail, follow us on Facebook or Twitter and Instagram. You can also check out our videos on our YouTube channel or follow us on TikTok.