An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.
Even though I discovered the idea of connective parenting a little too late, I still hope to help other parents learn about it. But how do you actually go about putting it into practice? Here are a few examples of how to practise protective parenting with your children according to their age. If you haven’t read the first article that explains what connective parenting is, find it here:
Toddlers
The terrible twos can feel unbearable sometimes for those who have toddlers who have temper tantrums or cry a lot. Okay, don’t all two-to-four-year olds have tantrums and cry a lot? Yes, they do. They are just embarking on the discovery of the world around them, but their emotional regulation is severely immature. And, well, adults in their lives can be scary. Their parents or other caretakers are much bigger and stronger than them. Instead of punishing them for their tantrum by enforcing time out or taking some reward away, go down to their level and connect with them through eye contact, affectionate and comforting touch, if they are not averse to it at that moment, soothing words and words that check up on them to find out how they are doing. You could say, for example, “Hey, sweetie, is everything okay? What’s got you upset?” Naming emotions can also help so they start to learn about their emotions and therefore can learn how to regulate them. If you know what has upset them, you could say something like, “I can see you’re really angry about the last cookie being taken by your brother. That’s okay. Would you like to sit on Mommy’s lap a bit?”
If your toddler is crying, you could use the same approach and add to it with comforting gestures or provide them something to calm them down. But the best thing to calm them down is you and your love. Your love will eventually get them to that place where they can self-soothe themselves, thereby helping them navigate their mental health as adults smoothly.
Once they are calm, you can give them simple instructions on how to handle a difficult situation. If they’ve been bullied by a friend, you could say that they should come to you straight away when it happens rather than hit the friend back because that can make things worse.
Also read: What is gentle parenting, and how can I implement it?
Preschoolers to preteens
At this age, kids still need warm touch, eye contact and soothing words. Go down to their level and ask them if they are angry or upset or anxious. Help them find a different word for how they are feeling if that isn’t one of the feelings they have. They need to feel safe with you to open up to what they are feeling. Once they understand their emotions, they can learn to regulate them.
I started homeschooling my kids when my oldest was in Grade Three, so they were about 11, 9 and 7. The most stressful thing I had to deal with the next few years was sibling rivalry. Sometimes, I wondered why I ever decided to homeschool as it seemed to be a daily problem. They were always fighting with each other. Punishing them just made it worse. Then one day, I decided to try a different tack. This was before I knew about connective parenting. I used to go to each of the kids who had been in a fight and listen to their stories of what had happened, trying to calm them down. I didn’t take sides. Well, within months, the sibling rivalry had simmered down to occasional incidents. Little did I know I was practising connective parenting. Now, my kids are best friends!
Preteens and teens
Here, you won’t need to get down to their level as they will be taller. Maybe you could sit next to them. They may not be open to warm touch so that’s not necessary although it could help – depending on the personality of the child. Connecting with your teen may mean talking to them about what’s bothering them, doing an activity with them, or just plain listening. Don’t try to control them or tell them what to do. Rather, come alongside them and provide them with an adult perspective in a gentle way.
For a child of any age, connecting with them during play is so great for strengthening that relationship between you so when times of conflict come, it’s easier to connect rather than punish or lash out. Maybe play with your teen with a video game – I can hear the collective sigh from those who don’t enjoy video games.
Also read: Kathy’s Window: Get rid of the stigma
Why is connective parenting so important?
1. It builds self-confidence in your child. Punishment and criticism lower a child’s self-esteem. If they feel safe and loved even when they do wrong, they will have a strong sense of self-esteem and be resilient adults.
2. Respect generates respect. Ever had an authority figure in your life who doesn’t respect you? Does their behaviour make you respect them? No, not at all. Respect means considering what’s important to your child and not making the household revolve around just the adults and their plans. It’s a give and take, and kids will learn to respect our needs if we respect theirs.
3. All kids want to please and do good – unless they have sociopathic mental issues, but I think those come from upbringing, too. They won’t be open to learning how to be kind and pleasant to others if they are upset or distraught or being punished for their feelings.
4. Punishment and threats often lead to worse behaviour like lying to cover things up or pushing or manipulating to get their way (or needs to be met) even more. Punishment and shouting will also cause your child to develop a rebellious streak or withdraw and become anxious.
I don’t know about you, but I’d like my kid to be resilient, have high self-esteem and share a respectful give-and-take relationship with me. I wish I’d known about connective parenting as my kids were growing up. But maybe one day I can use connection when I babysit my grandchildren – I hope I get to have some.
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