Negging: What is it, and what should you do about it?

NEGGING is when a person uses negative or critical comments to either flirt with you or catch your attention, or when a partner in a long-term relationship puts you down verbally, often in a subtle or disguised manner.

Negging impacts a person’s self-esteem. It is emotional abuse, plain and simple. Having a term for this form of emotional abuse helps build awareness and therefore helps people of varying dating ages choose better partners. The ‘neggers’ get dumped, and fewer individuals end up in toxic or abusive relationships. With the ongoing high incidence of gender-based violence (GBV) in South Africa, which includes emotional abuse, it’s vital that women (and also men) are made aware of what negging is.

In this article, we will look at what negging is and what to do about it, whether you are dating casually or in a more serious relationship.

Also read: UNITE! Activism to end violence against women and girls

Negging as flirting is not sexy

As human beings, we love a challenge. We often get sucked in by the classic ‘carrot at the end of the stick’ scenario. When dating, we often fantasise about someone in the early stages and project our ideals upon them. When someone starts off insulting us, we take that as an opportunity to prove them wrong, to win them over. Why are we often drawn to the ‘hard-to-get’ individuals? I think it’s partly because we don’t want to be smothered too early, and also, we think if someone is hard to get, they’re above our league and a good catch. But someone who insults us isn’t a good catch. It is also often a sign of future abuse in a relationship.

In a more long-term relationship, it’s harder to spot the negging, but it often starts off innocently and becomes more insistent and constant.

How do you spot a negging flirt or partner as opposed to someone who is a good-intentioned tease? There’s a difference. The negging flirt wants to put you down to be in control and to feel better about themselves. Ways that they may do it are:

• A backhanded compliment. This is saying something that sounds like a compliment but is actually an insult. For example, “Wow, you are brave. I would never wear that.” OR “I did not expect you to do so well in that quiz.”
• Making themselves look better than you. You tell a story about a difficult project you managed to succeed in, and they tell you, or anyone else listening, about what they did, and it’s something way more difficult or unusual. Or you describe your holiday five years ago, but theirs was way grander and at a better location.
• Downplaying the hurt. They are always ‘just joking’ or ‘teasing’ when you bring up that their insult hurt or wasn’t right. Or they accuse you of being too sensitive or taking things too personally, or that you don’t have a sense of humour. If something hurts you, you have a right to say it in a gentle way. Anything that breaks down your self-esteem is not sexy!
• They compare you to others. For example: “Why can’t you dress like Danielle?” OR “I wish you’d wear your hair like Mandy.” OR “You should go to the gym so you can get a six-pack like Barry.” It can even come out in a way that sounds like a compliment. For example, “You’re no Scarlett Johansson, but you’re attractive.” Obviously, no one you date is going to be perfect, and they may say something insensitive at times, and constant flattery can also be a sign of love bombing, but if the insults come often, there’s a problem. How you FEEL in a relationship is always a good barometer.

In more serious or long-term relationships, the negging can include the following:

• Making you regret voicing your hurt. If you bring up that an insult or negging instance hurt you or broke you down, they can make you regret it by bringing up your past faults or mistakes, yelling at you, accusing you of being unintelligent or silly, denying that it happened, giving you the silent treatment, or even displaying anger physically by hitting the wall or a counter or getting up in your face.
• Making themselves look like the victim instead. They can accuse you of being critical or picking on them. Or they tell you all that they do for you and how you don’t appreciate them.

Also read: Be aware of procedures when reporting domestic violence – SAPS

Signs that you’re experiencing negging

If you’re unsure if you’re experiencing negging, these are signs of it in your life and relationship:

• You often feel confused after being with the person as they seem nice, but something is off.
• You feel disrespected when with them. Yes, it’s good to feel loved, but in a healthy relationship, respect is vital, too! If you feel less-than, you’re not being respected. You want your relationship to be an equal partnership.
• You often give way to what the other person needs in the relationship and change your behaviour to please them.
• They seldom show remorse or apologise for their behaviour.
• There are sudden blow-ups or conflicts that take you by surprise.
• You start questioning your self-worth and self-esteem, for example, you keep checking yourself in the mirror and start feeling like you’re unattractive or unfashionable, or silly or immature or ignorant.

What to do about it

If you suspect that you are dating or in a relationship with someone who is negging you, here are some suggestions on how to handle it:

• If the relationship is new, do you really want to be with someone who breaks you down and makes you feel bad about yourself? You are worth so much more and shouldn’t take a scarcity mindset when dating. There is someone better out there for you. Don’t give up.
• If it’s just been a few instances, consider bringing it up with the person and telling them how you feel when they say certain things. Come from the angle of how you feel without accusing them of something. The way they respond to the conversation says a lot about whether they are the right person for you or not.
• If the negging is a consistent thing in a more serious or long-term relationship, sit down with the person and bring up the way you are feeling in a gentle and wise manner. If they refuse to acknowledge the hurt and lash out instead, and you still want to salvage what you do have, consider counselling. But…also consider leaving the relationship if it is safe to do so. If not, you should speak to someone like a police officer, shelter caregiver, counsellor, teacher, mentor or friend and find a way to get safely away from them. If you are financially dependent on them, there are ways to break free with support from others, especially professionals. Be aware that emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse. But even if it never does, it’s still abuse and you have every right to leave.

Here are some numbers to call if you are being abused: Contact your local police station or SAPS Emergency Services: 10111. Crime Stop: 08600 10111. Domestic Violence Helpline: 0800 150 150. Childline: 116.