How self-regulating can help your child make better decisions

The ability to remain calm, cope with intense emotions, adapt, and respond correctly to our surroundings is referred to as self-regulation.

Self-regulation is crucial because it enables children to perform well in school, with their peers, and at home. It gives them confidence in their abilities and makes them feel good about themselves. This article discusses the link between self-regulation and the importance of teaching this skill to our children.

Consider the following situation: At school, your eight-year-old son is repeatedly poked with a pencil by a classmate. How does he react? He might use resolve to bear the pokes without complaining or remain silent, yielding to feelings of dread or powerlessness. He could get angry and lash out, insulting or poking his classmate. Or does your son “self-regulate” by weighing his options and resources, assessing his feelings and strengths, reflecting on previous experiences, and taking his time when he acts?

How parents can use neuroscience to help kids develop empathy, creativity, and self-control

According to Erin Clabough, a neuroscientist, mother of four, and author of the book Second Nature: How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control (available on Amazon), self-regulation may sound like a tall order but it’s a talent that we all need if we want to make a decent decision or work toward a goal, especially when we are dealing with powerful emotions in ourselves or others.

Unfortunately, traits that promote self-regulation are declining in our youth. Since the 1940s, young children’s self-control has regressed by two years. Empathy has fallen over the last 30 years, and creativity and critical thinking have declined over the previous 20 years, particularly among kindergarten through third-grade children. Interrupting those trends is critical if we are to live in a civil, peaceful, and productive society. 

Clabough’s book mixes developmental neuroscience with experiences from her own family life to explain how and why parents should help their children build empathy, creativity, and self-control.  Together, these characteristics promote a child’s ability to self-regulate in a balanced manner, resulting in higher personal fulfilment, stronger relationships, and greater life success.

Self-control versus self-regulation

Clabough distinguishes between multifaceted self-regulation and self-control throughout the book. Following the renowned “marshmallow test”, which has been mentioned for decades, self-control has gotten a lot of attention. In this classic 1970s study, 1,000 four to six-year-olds were given a tiny incentive (one marshmallow, pretzel, or cookie) but could choose not to eat it to receive a larger reward later (more treats).

Longitudinal research revealed that children who could defer pleasure had higher SAT scores in adolescence and better health, greater wealth, and lower crime rates 40 years later. Early childhood ability to resist gratification was a greater predictor of later success than intelligence or social class. However, the marshmallow experiment may not be what we believe it is.

It may have examined children’s obedience, how they felt about authoritative figures, or if they trusted adults, according to Clabough. Or it may have assessed how much a youngster liked marshmallows, how much they wanted to wait, or whether they had even developed the ability to wait (e.g., older children were better delayers than younger children).

Furthermore, Clabough contends that self-control is an inadequate objective because it ultimately involves not acting, which parents and instructors may find desirable in children. Still, it is not the only route to success in life. On the other hand, self-regulation is about taking action, and she believes that teaching it should be a goal for parents.

A person with high self-regulation has self-control and can, for example, suppress an early gut reaction when necessary. However, they also employ creativity and empathy to seek different paths to help them achieve their objectives. They consider norms, but they may also rephrase them imaginatively or develop new ones. They prioritise their own sentiments and concerns while deciding on an action, but they are also sympathetic and consider other people’s viewpoints in complex social circumstances.

Observe first, then react

Let’s go back to our first example – suppose your kid is being poked with a pencil. In that case, he should first analyse the other child’s motivations: is the poking in fun and a continuation of recess play, is it a worrying cry for help or is it taunting and part of a bullying pattern? 

What are your son’s objectives – does he want to keep having fun, is he attempting to concentrate, or does he require assistance? Creativity gives him the freedom and flexibility to reply with a joke, assert a boundary, or involve an adult; self-control enables him to make this decision intelligently rather than instinctively. In other words, children who have high self-regulation are observant, flexible, and creative – and, most crucially, they can think for themselves. 

“Self-regulation is far more important than basic self-control,” Clabough writes. “It’s not just being able to halt behaviour, but also being able to pivot conduct…being able to build a trail toward a goal while still maintaining trust and reciprocity in others around you.” Children who have higher self-regulation are not only more psychologically well, but they are also more selfless, caring, and attached to their society. 

The brain’s ability to self-regulate

Second Nature How Parents Can Use Neuroscience to Help Kids Develop Empathy, Creativity, and Self-Control is perhaps the first and most appropriate introduction to brain development for non-scientists that does not overwhelm or oversimplify. Clabough discusses brain development phases to help parents set more acceptable expectations: What neurological abilities do children have at different ages? Which limitations can be gently stretched, and where do youngsters require additional assistance?

She reports, for example, that while play in early infancy is vital for creativity, today’s children have fewer opportunities to play in early childhood schools. It’s reassuring for parents to know that the experiences, habits, and routines they provide for their children are actually reinforcing synaptic connections and forming and remodelling neural circuits. What parents don’t do is just as significant as what they do.

Developmental science-based parenting approaches

Clabough describes developmental science-based parenting approaches such as scaffolding (providing a framework or template for children to learn and practice new skills) and modelling (demonstrating self-regulation as a parent), supporting children’s autonomy and assisting them in reflecting on their experiences. She also provides practical parenting advice, tricks, and shortcuts. She points out, for example, that brain cells working hard to preserve self-control utilise glucose at a higher rate, so one recommendation is to “fuel your tantrum-thrower ASAP”.

She even discusses how power structures influence self-regulation: long-held privilege can diminish empathy, making it difficult to appreciate another person’s point of view, whereas persistent adversity can be harmful to children.

In her own home, Clabough seeks ways to shift and balance power relations among siblings, such as allowing the youngest to dish out treats or speak first, asking an older sibling to educate a younger sister, exposing her children to new cultures, and promoting friendships across ages and groups.