Coping with a death of a child

No parent deserves to bury their child. Regardless of their age, it is one of the most agonising experiences a parent will ever go through. It doesn’t matter whether the child was sick or passed away in an accident, nothing prepares any parent for such a life-changing pain. People grieve differently and will approach the stages of grief differently before finally accepting that their child is late.

Let it out

You may want to contain your feelings and find it hard to speak about the pain tormenting you but if you can let your emotions out by speaking to your spouse or partner, your family and friends. If you still are not coping, it is best to join a support group so that you can talk about what you are going through with people who have travelled or are travelling the same journey as yours.

Talking to people in the same situation

While there will be people comforting you and declaring that they know exactly what you are through, it is best to connect with people who have experienced what you are going through. Connecting with such people will make you feel better as you realise what you are feeling is genuine and with time it will pass. They will give you advice on how to cope and watching them cope as well, will motivate you to carry on with life, no matter how hard.

Do what you need to do to get through

Your child will leave a huge gap in your life, regardless of the circumstance of their death. If you need to, avoid certain people for a while if they have kids the same age. Take a break or distract yourself with work or a hobby. You may feel that you are just going through the motions of life, but eventually, little by little, you will come to life again as you work through the grief. It is easy to sink into depression, so find ways to occupy your time and remember the best of times you spent with your child. Do not torture yourself by constantly asking yourself questions that you do not have answers to.

Accept support

You may feel like you want to shut the people around you out but It is at times like this when the support system you have built up in your life will kick in. Pastors, friends and family will rally around and help out. Accepting meals and other practical help really does assist you through that initial period of shock, when you may feel completely paralysed with grief. Even though you may not want to spend time with them, allow people to do things for you, and see their heartfelt intentions as they simply won’t know what to do or say, especially when their children are 100% healthy and alive.

Be prepared for difficult times ahead

The irony about grief is that you might feel like you are finding your feet but then something will trigger a setback and the pain will be as agonising as when it just happened. You might feel like shutting the world out and having a good cry, go on and let the emotions out. There will be days when you miss your child the most like their birthdays. It will be difficult to confront such days but try and plan ahead for the days that you know will be really hard and do something special to honour your child and your memory of him or her.

Life will never be the same again

Loss of a child is life changing and will probably impact every relationship you have. It will change the way you do things, especially with other children you may have. You may even experience a level of paranoia which you may have to keep in check, especially around the safety of your other children. Be prepared on how you will handle explaining this loss in new relationships and new friends who didn’t know you at the time you lost your child. Decide ahead of time how you are going to answer the how many kids you have question, or if you are pregnant, is this your first child? Time heals and you will love again and you will care. Probably even more than you did before. You will be surprised at how many people you come across who have also lost a child.