How to tell your child that they’re adopted

As children grow,  they become more inquisitive about their family history and origins. If you have adopted a child, this could be the most difficult time because you don’t know how your child is going to take this life-changing news. Explaining adoption to your child is challenging and there are so many things you need to weigh before going ahead with this decision. Revealing the truth will lead to a roller coaster of emotions as the information can hurt or shape your child. Although it is entirely up to the parents to decide when to tell their child that he or she is adopted, the advice is to read them an adoption storybook, such as Finding my Forever Family  from when they are very small to explain the concept to them and to normalise it for them.Here are some more tips to make telling your heart-baby that they’re adopted easier:

The soon the better

Most families tend to treat adoption as a secret until it becomes too late. Some research has shown that one of the most traumatic things for an adoptee is to remember the day they were told, whether it was done in a loving way or not. To avoid this, try talking about it openly from very early on. They shouldn’t have to come to a realisation that they were adopted somewhere down the line – it helps so much if it’s just something they’ve always known. This is why a book explaining it to them becomes so handy, especially when it’s read to them while they are still very young..

Avoid painting a negative picture

You might want to take credit and demonise the birth parents or make them sound like the enemy. Don’t do that because you don’t know the real circumstances why they had to give up the baby. Change the narrative from a negative one to a positive and affirming one. Try to keep it brief if your heart-baby has a sad beginning. So you can say something like, “A kind woman let them grow in her tummy. She simply knew that what was best for them was for her to give them to a loving Forever Family because she couldn’t care for them right then.” Avoid calling her their mother, but give her a respectful title, like Aunty Helen for example.

They don’t owe you anything

Have your story straight and try to provide as much information as possible. As soon as there are questions and doubts, the issue becomes just that – an issue. Rather, create an open space in which they can express themselves freely and openly to you. This can be hard if you feel hesitant to share or insecure about your relationship with your adopted child.

You don’t owe them

Don’t make them feel emotionally indebted to you. It is easy to find yourself doing this without being aware. Try not to tell them that they were lucky to be adopted or lucky to find their Forever Family. Remind them that they’ve brought you so much happiness; that they’ve completed your family.

Don’t put unnecessary pressure

Although your child is, undoubtedly, very special; using this term too often puts a lot of responsibility on their little shoulders. They might feel that, only when they are acting or accomplishing something extraordinary, can they earn your love and acceptance.

Get help

Finding out such news, is by no means easy. Help your child through the process by investing in helpful books, play therapists, social workers, and so on to give your little one the help that they need to come to terms with their family.

Let them go through the emotions

Some children may be nonchalant and carefree. Others may be anxious, even angry. Try not to mould them too closely and to hamper their emotions. Try not to classify every reaction and feeling under the umbrella of adoption. Just let them be.

Don’t forget about yourself

This is a journey with plenty of twists and turns and ups and downs for you too. Take the time to rejuvenate and care for yourself. By doing that, you’ll be the best mom you possibly can be for your heart-baby.