Why over-praising has harmful consequences for children

While we all want to raise confident and mentally strong kids, overpraising can adversely affect children. Praising children has been demonstrated in studies to have positive impacts, but it is dependent on the type of praise we provide.

According to a recent study of toddlers, “praising effort, not genius, leads to more drive and more favourable attitudes toward obstacles” in the long run. These findings are consistent with prior research that has linked praise to improved motivation in children, but only when it is based on genuine characteristics. 

Be aware of your child’s genuine ability

The problem with many parents who want to increase their child’s self-esteem isn’t that they praise; it’s that they overpraise. We emphasise children’s “greatness” much too often in today’s competitive society, defining who they are and making exaggerated assertions that fail to reflect their genuine ability.

Professor Carol S. Zweck, the Stanford Study’s principal researcher, believes that words like “‘you’re fantastic”, or “you’re outstanding” are not helpful because later on, when children don’t get it right or do it flawlessly, they’ll think they aren’t so great or amazing. It’s not enough to tell youngsters that everything they do is fantastic.

A genuine feeling of self-worth is founded on the talents they develop for themselves and the genuine successes they believe they have made. However, many parents have a tendency to exaggerate or fabricate claims about their children.

Most parents do this unintentionally to help their children feel good about themselves. Perhaps even subconsciously, they may be attempting to compensate for their own deficient childhoods. To be “loved” by their children, they may offer build-up or withhold criticism.

They may even believe that their child is “wonderful, magnificent, and superior” on some level because they want to be the parent of a “high-achieving child” to boost their own fragile self-esteem.

long-term negative consequences of overpraising

The problem develops when the parent does not completely appreciate or recognise their influence as a primary influence on the person that child will become. While it may appear to be harmless at the time, overpraise can have long-term negative consequences, which include:

Possessive feelings of entitlement

When we overpraise or overindulge our children, they get the impression that they are special – but not the type of special that we want them to feel. Rather, they may have a sense of entitlement or anticipate life to be simple for them, leaving them unable to handle the hardships that life will inevitably throw at them.

Inadequacy feelings

False expectations make children believe they must be perfect in order to be accepted. However, they never truly feel good about themselves because the compliments they’ve gotten feel hollow and false. Overly praising our children makes them doubt their genuine skills.

Overpraising is linked to laziness

Our tendency to become overly involved in everything from their homework to their laundry can cause more harm than good. It not only fails to prepare kids for future duties, but it also denies them opportunities to feel good about themselves as they grow into responsible and skilled teenagers and adults. Parents that do too much for their children end up hurting them rather than helping them.

How to boost confidence without over-praising

So, what is the alternative to over-praise when it comes to boosting our children’s self-esteem? Obviously, the solution is not to stop admiring or supporting them in their endeavours. In fact, the opposite is true.

What parents need to do is simple: notice something your children enjoy doing and provide realistic and appropriate support and encouragement. We should try to avoid labels as much as possible. When we refer to our children as pro-athletes or stars (when they’re not), they will not believe it accurately defines them. Once again, this form of labelling is motivated by the parent’s desires and dreams rather than the child’s realities. It puts pressure on people to perform while ignoring the practice required for success.

Children must feel a sense of independence and autonomy to have a true sense of self-worth. This idea of worth must be founded on firm ground. As parents, we should:

• Silently observe the things that brighten our children’s lives and increase their self-esteem.
• Gently steer our children toward discovering something they enjoy and excel at, and then offer them opportunities to participate in the activity and hone their skills.
• Offer support and encouragement without being intrusive or overwhelming.
• Encourage our children to continue participating in activities even when they are difficult so that they will be more resilient and adaptable, and they will realise that success comes from hard work.
• Do less for our children as they gain the ability to do things for themselves, giving them a sense of self-sufficiency.