Why failure and disappointment is not a bad thing

If parents had a magic wand we’d probably have used it hundreds of times to safeguard our children from failure and disappointment. We’d be their own personal fairy godmother, and make all bad and difficult things in their lives vanish, so that their lives are easy. But in doing so, we would be withholding very important life experiences and lessons from our children.

Failure is experienced when you feel that what you thought you’d achieve, wasn’t achieved. You become disappointed when your expectations aren’t met. Both of these emotions are painful, and most people do their best to avoid disappointment and failure. Yet these very painful emotions and experiences are the building blocks and cement in building resiliency and emotional intelligence.

We chat with psychologist, Ilze van de Merwe-Alberts on how you can help your child deal with failure and disappointment.

Dealing with failure

• Explain to your child that things won’t always go his way. Life isn’t about being unfair or difficult, but about choosing how to react when you don’t get your way. You can choose to look at situations differently and become more adaptable to your circumstances; you may experience something you’d never even considered before. In dealing with disappointment in this positive way, you can become strong and courageous.
• Teach your kids about success and failure, and being grateful for opportunities. The immediate perception for most children is that it’s better to be in the A-team than the C-team, but the A-team boy has to work extra hard to keep his place in the team, whereas the girl has the benefit of improving her swimming skills in a less competitive, and more relaxed team.
• Encourage your children to have realistic expectations and that enjoying the activities they take part in is more important than succeeding in activities they don’t enjoy.

How you can help your child

• Teach your child the skills and techniques to deal with their challenges but step in when the challenge is too overwhelming for your child.
• Parents can be an example to their children on how to deal with the realities of failure and disappointment. Children watch what we do and how we react to frustration, and they’ll follow our example. Be careful to avoid becoming stuck in “victim mode” and feeling sorry for yourself; teach your children resiliency by being resilient yourself.
• Parents sometimes tend to live vicariously through their children, and the failures of children can all too often become the failures and disappointments of the parents. This then becomes a double whammy for a child who then has to deal with his own and his parent’s emotions.
• Remember, your child is his own person and has his own life lessons to learn. Your child won’t learn his lessons through you. He has his own journey to experience, and failure and disappointment are his life lessons. These experiences, however painful they may be, will strengthen him and equip him to deal with the failures and disappointments that will inevitably follow.
• Help your children gain the skills they need to deal with failure and disappointment without imposing on the learning experiences and life lessons they provide.