Coping with gender disappointment

Pregnancy and birth can be a difficult time hormonally and emotionally, as well as physically. While discovering that you are expecting a boy when in fact you wanted a girl, or vice versa, can be a soft issue for some couples, others can take it hard. This is called gender disappointment and for other parents it can lead to a deep and lasting sense of disappointment that’s coupled with guilt.

Difficult for others to understand

People may struggle to understand why you want a particular sex so strongly that it leads to feelings of dismay, sadness and loss. It can be a very difficult topic to talk about especially because your friends and family may feel that you should just be happy that you’re having a baby regardless of the sex.

Why the feeling of disappointment

There are many reasons parents could feel disappointment about the gender of their baby:

• You may have had dreams about the special relationship you would have with a daughter, or you may face cultural or family pressure to have a particular sex.
• If you already have a child, you may feel that a baby of the opposite gender will complete your family.
• Perhaps it’s about your relationship with your parents – you may want to recreate the closeness you have with your mom or dad or, if you’ve had a difficult relationship with your mother, having a boy may seem less daunting than the idea of trying to avoid a challenging or unhappy relationship with your own daughter.

Tackling the disappointment hands on

Clinical psychologist Ruth Ancer believes that we often have unconscious needs and that when we express a preference for one gender over the other, there’s a much deeper reason for that need. If you can understand that, you can avoid projecting your expectations (and disappointment) onto your unborn child.She also feels that finding out early is key. “It’s important to get used to the idea, so that if it isn’t what you were hoping for, you have time to come to terms with it,” she advises. “For a lot of people, that feeling does change when they see their baby, but not for everybody. For some parents, the feeling of disappointment may linger and they may feel some resentment. You often hear adults say, ‘My father really wanted a boy’, or ‘My mother really wanted a girl’. Children pick up on their parents’ feelings, but we have an obligation to love and raise our children without having expectations and conditions,” she says. “The most important thing is to recognise why it’s so important to you, what your expectations are, and what needs you are hoping will be met by having a child of a particular gender.”

If you can’t cope?

If you can’t come to terms with your disappointment by discussing it with your partner and close friends, and it’s really upsetting you, seek professional help. If it’s very entrenched that you will only feel fulfilled by having a girl, or only having a boy, consider therapy to try and understand what your fear is and what your need is.