Should you tell your kids your relationship woes?

Talking to your kids about you and your partner’s relationship problems can be a tricky topic to navigate because they want their family to seem perfect. But sometimes, children must understand why there is tension in the home. Here are a few tips to keep in mind when talking to your kids about “adult problems”:

Be sensitive to your child’s emotions

Your child may already know something is wrong, but they often don’t know what is wrong. It’s important that you tackle the topic with compassion and sensitivity to your child’s emotions. Often, all your child may need is acknowledging that something is wrong, a short explanation that it is between mom and dad and not their fault, and then reassurance that they are always loved.

Be honest with your child

Times have changed, and children of today are generally not afraid to voice their concerns when they see there is something wrong. Sometimes, the only option is to be honest with your child and assure them that you have everything under control so that they don’t have to worry about your wellbeing.  If your child asks, “What’s wrong?”, don’t simply say, “Nothing, honey! Everything’s fine!”, as this can send your child mixed messages. Their active imagination often tries to make sense of what’s going on, often magnifying anxiety as they try to reconcile what they’re picking up from you emotionally, and the words you use – which often contradict the truth of what you are going through.

Focus on age-appropriate conversations

Before you open up, be sensitive to your child’s age and maturity. Let your child lead the conversation, answering questions in an age-appropriate way that acknowledges the truth of what’s upsetting you without burdening them with all the little details that they’re not equipped to process. Doing so will help them move into their own grown-up lives with greater resilience, emotional awareness and the confidence that will help them handle life’s tough moments with grace.

Let your words match your truth

If your little one says, “Mommy, are you sad?” you might reply, “I am a little sad today. I heard that a good friend is feeling sick and I feel bad about it. But I’m also okay and fine, and enjoying our day together. I’m both things – sad, and just fine.” If your teen wants more detail, you could say, for example, “Aunty Thembi just found out that she’s going to have to have another surgery so I’m a little distracted and sad about that. I know how much she was hoping that she wouldn’t have to go back into the hospital. I’m sad, and I had a little bit of a cry, and now I’m going to make her a soup that she can keep in her freezer. Want to help?”