Raising a child with special needs

It is perfectly normal to experience feelings of grief when learning that your child has special needs. It doesn’t mean that you love your child any less or that you don’t respect them. It is important to allow yourself – and your partner – the time to grieve. Grieving takes many steps until you learn to let go, and it is worthy to note that each step brings you closer to healing and acceptance.

A roller coaster of emotions

Usually, when a parent discovers that their child has special needs, they feel lost and blame themselves. Parents may find themselves asking what they possibly did wrong. Heartbreak, shock, and guilt are just some of the emotions they may experience as they navigate the life-changing news. It’s easy to fall into the trap of sadness, but you need to realise that your precious child is a miracle and is far more than a label or a diagnosis. 

Dealing with the strain and pain together

As parents, you may not take the news the same way your partner does. One partner may cope better than the other. Because you treat the situation differently, you may fight with each other. In turn, insecurity, hurt, and frustration grow and can trigger anger. Hurtful words and actions can follow and impact a once happy relationship. This is a time you need to stand together and be strong for the sake of your child.

Understanding the grieving process

As both parents continue to digest the news, so will your process of grief. The grieving process involves the following elements, which can happen in any order but always ends with acceptance.

• Denying the problem
• Bargaining with God
• Anger
• Depression

Positive strategies

Remember that you and your partner are in the same corner –  it is not a competition. You are in this together. Recognise the emotions that underlie your thoughts and actions. Have an emotional unpacking session at set times each week. Listen to your partner without judgment. Recognise each other’s vulnerabilities and fears. Respect them. Treat them with care, even if you disagree with them. If you feel that you cannot cope with your emotions, seek professional help from institutions like Families South Africa (FAMSA). 

Here’s how to cope

As you learn more about your child’s condition, you might feel overwhelmed – as if you’re drowning in medical information and opinions. You’ll become familiar with a lot of medical professionals you might not have heard of before. Although this may come with deep gratitude, at times, you will feel it’s all too much. The best way to cope is to try to get into a comfortable routine. For example, on Mondays, deal with the paediatrician and the occupational therapist and give yourself a breather until Thursday when you see the speech therapist. Collect medicines from the hospital while your child is in therapy, so she doesn’t have to extend her stay at the centre. You might feel there is a lot to go through, and yes, that is true. But one thing is that you need to be emotionally present for your child and as they grow, so will your level of understanding of their condition. The best weapon in conquering any challenge is love.

Fear of the future

Fear of the future is common when raising a special needs child.  You may worry that if anything were to happen to you or your partner, what would happen to your child, and who would take care of them. Financial and emotional planning for the future provokes intense fear in most parents. Thinking about life after your death can be daunting. Here’s how to cope:

• Know your child’s legal rights.
• Prepare a detailed will.
• Consider establishing a trust.
• Consider sheltered accommodation with employed care for your child.
• Know that uncertainty is the greatest problem but will ease in time.