South Africa has become a divorce capital fuelled by sex, money and lawyers who offer ‘specials’ for ‘quickie divorces’, especially among black people.
Too many people make serious mistakes with one of the most fundamental questions in life – who to spend the rest of their life with. Ending up with the wrong person has the potential to make you one of the many divorce candidates in 2014.
Well ladies, to help you avoid the pitfall of divorce so that you don’t end up being a statistic, here are 7 Truths you must carefully and truthfully consider:
1. You will marry the wrong man if you expect him to change after you’re married – This is a mistake a lot of women have made and are still making. Don’t try to play God. Only He can change people. If you can’t be yourself, and you can’t marry the person just the way they are, don’t get married. Most people don’t change for the better after they’re married. The truth is they change for the worse.
So if you can’t live with his personal hygiene and habits, income, character, spirituality or communication skills, there’s no need to marry him. Make sure you’re OK with the most important aspect of marriage.
2. You will marry the wrong person if you focus more on chemistry than on character – A lot of people mistake lust for love. “I am in love” almost always means, “I am in lust”. People follow chemistry more than they follow character. That is sad because character is what will keep your marriage together. The truth is chemistry burns out but character keeps “the love fire” burning. There’s nothing wrong being attracted to someone but make sure you check out his character before relinquishing your heart to him.
Character traits you must look for in a man include: Humility, kindness, taking responsibility and honesty. Say “I do” only to a man with these character traits.
3. You will marry the wrong person if you do not share common life goals and priorities – Marriage causes people to either grow together or to grow apart. Having common life goals and priorities is very important to help you share a deeper level of connection. If, at heart, he would rather live on a farm on the outskirts of town, and you know you’re a city girl through and through, a decision like buying a house can become a serious point of contention. Some simple examples of connection are through sharing common interests, common life goals, a good deal of chemistry, and compatibility.
Find someone who you shares the same priorities, values and goals as you. The truth is that is who a soul mate is – a goal mate.
4. You will marry the wrong person if you get intimately (sexually) involved too quickly.
It sounds old-fashioned but sex before marriage is always a big problem because it clouds your mind and judgment early in the relationship. The truth is, it denies you the opportunity to honestly evaluate your partner. How many times have you delayed breaking off a bad relationship because the “make-up sex” was too good to resist?
The days of “test driving” a partner are over. Do yourself a favour and stay away from it.
Part of the joy in marriage is discovering each other sexually. It’s meant to be a physical connection that mirrors your emotional and spiritual connection. Sex compatibility is natural – just the way God created it to be.
5. You will marry the wrong person if you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe – If you are afraid of the person, can’t be calm or peaceful, can’t be yourself around them, then think again. You need to feel safe emotionally around them, like the way you do around a best friend. If you don’t feel that kind of connection, then don’t make the mistake of thinking time will change things.
The truth is you must marry someone with whom you will feel safe sharing your feelings and opinions openly; someone around whom you are not afraid of being yourself and can say anything without monitoring your words.
Be careful of a man who always wants to change some aspect of you. It is wrong to allow your partner to try and control you. You must feel safe, and if you don’t, that’s a sign of an abusive person. He might not hit you but he hurts your feelings, all the time. There are a lot of men with controlling behaviours. Beware of them – they turn into abusers. It is OK for a man to make suggestions, which is good because he wants to help you grow, but he cannot just make demands.
6. You will marry the wrong person if you’re not honest and transparent – A good relationship must be honest and transparent and any problem or issue that bothers you must be discussed immediately. The truth is when uncomfortable stuff is discussed it helps you evaluate how well the two of you are able to communicate and dialogue and find a solution. You need to know all these before committing to marry him. So learn to be transparent with your emotions because you will face a lot of issues in life.
Learn to be vulnerable and if the person doesn’t let you, know that any marriage relationship with them will be difficult. Vulnerability creates intimacy.
7. You will marry the wrong person if you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
A lot of ladies jump from one unhappy relationship to another just to avoid personal problems. The truth is if you are unmarried and unhappy, chances are you will be married and unhappy also.
Marriage will not fix your emotional, psychological, spiritual and emotional problems; actually, it will amplify them. So fix yourself while you are single – do all that you can to make sure that when you meet your future husband, he will be glad he met you all ready for a healthy marriage.
There are many reasons why you may end up with the wrong man. Even if you feel you are the right woman and have been preparing yourself for the right man, you find yourself settling for the wrong man. Take heed and be smart to not overlook some of the insights mentioned above. Value your worth and don’t be afraid of making the right choices.
Have you noticed any of these points in your previous relationship with any man? Or are you in one?
For your relationship advice and coaching email info@parable.co.za or call 082 212 943
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