Hello everyone,
My name is Liza Moll and I’m a behavioural facilitator. In short, that means that I’m an observer of the behaviour of groups and individuals and facilitate the change of behaviour by helping us understand the motivation or why we do what we do.
In all honesty, I was quite mortified when asked to do this video because as an observer, I don’t enjoy the limelight and when told (as an inspiration) that “it might make you famous”, I retreated and attempted to take a nap instead.
I certainly don’t want to be famous.
Looking at my own behaviour in this little tale, it tells me that instinctually (not rationally nor cognitively) I immediately reverted to my own little safe space and pulled a duvet over my head to prevent the world from penetrating my serenity.
Dealing with stress
We all have our own way of dealing with little and big stresses or challenges.
I was unsuccessful in taking my nap as another part of me stepped up to have a conversation with me.
It is the part of me which feels my emotions in other words. The “what if” I could help, I don’t want to be famous, that’s moot and entirely up to me.
The what if was saying people are unhappy, scared, stressed, worried. I can help and this is most certainly the time to do so. It’s my obligation.
So I was thinking of stressed parents, bewildered children, and people with pre-existing health and mental health challenges. How can I help from here, behind my laptop in my office?
Take charge
Now, my “big” brain is in charge and I will start by explaining in as basic terms as possible what is happening to all of us. Whether you are a socially inclined individual or an introvert (who is possibly utterly delighted to be left alone) or a bit of both, who we call ambiverts.
We’ll start with our brain. That big grey squishy thing we trust so much.
Most of us when thinking of our brains think “grey matter”, the place where our thinks happen.
While this is true, we don’t realise that we actually have three brains.
We have the neocortex where our rational and cognitive thoughts take place; we have the limbic system where our emotions reside, and finally we have our “little brain”, the amygdala or reptilian complex, this is a tiny little blob sitting at the bottom of the other two.
We don’t pay much attention to the two little brains, but boy, they know how to rule us well.
How many of us went panic-buying?
That was your reptilian complex over-ruling every rational thought you might have had while loading 30 packets of toilet paper in your trolley.
It’s also this little guy who glared at the person trying to grab a packet for themselves.
This little guy is all about self-preservation. It is constantly active, even in sleep it scans the environment for threats, and its job is to make sure we are safe.
This is where our fight, flight or freeze reactions reside.
Then we have the limbic system, a tad bigger than our amygdala, and this guy is in charge of our emotions.
They are good friends these two. They are next to each other and often have tea or wine while concocting ways to play pranks on the neocortex. They are experts in this.
Who is in control?
So how do we know which one is controlling us at any point of time?
How do we bring all three to the fence for a cup of tea and get an agreement between instinct, emotions and cognitive thought?
The first thing is to know what I just told you, its not one brain, its three.
Only one can make sense of things rationally.
Only one actually thinks. That’s the one who makes you wonder what on earth you are going to do with 25kg of cake flour when you don’t even know how to bake a cake and don’t own a recipe book. (Oh, but wait, there’s the internet. – our instinct.)
You also know that you have no intention learning to bake because you bought around 50 instant microwave meals and that is so much easier to do.
So conversation started, and you can start a discussion with yourself. (Contrary to popular belief, its good to talk and answer yourself.)
You’re not crazy.
We call this self-awareness. We can ask our gut “what am I feeling?”, that’s acknowledging your limbic system, identifying your emotion, having a conversation with it.
Am I scared? Bored? Irritated? Anxious? Once you’ve determined which it is, you can ask it what you should be doing about it, this will bring your neocortex to the conversation.
Have you been sitting too long? Do I need to move my body? Perhaps a good time to google a recipe for biscuits to use up that flour?
Find something to do
If it is fear, anxiety or perhaps a feeling of helplessness, we can have a conversation with our reptilian brain, reprimand the little bugger a little. Cognitively we are sat at home and we are physically quite safe.
Acknowledge the instinct, and the emotion along with it, and then use that wonderful grey matter to find something to do.
Get busy, clean the house (even if it’s already clean), check on the pot plant withering in the corner. (You forgot about that didn’t you?)
Change the sheets on your bed. Bake, garden, clean the pool, wash the windows.
While you are doing chores, think about what you actually like to do – is there a book you’d like to read or write?
Do you perhaps want to try your hand at a new hobby?
Interested in physics? We are so fortunate to have technology. Google things to make with household items.
Make your own soap, experiment, have fun, you’ll never again in your lifetime have 21 days to do exactly what you want, when you want and how you want to in terms of time.
Breathe deeply
If you have children, you are most likely part of the majority feeling overwhelmed with their active energy. They’ve been home a couple weeks now and you are likely at a point where your vocal cords are frayed.
That’s okay. Just stop a moment. Observe them. None of this is causing stress to them, you are.
Little children are instinctive creatures, their cortices are still developing.
They are picking up on your energy, instincts, behaviours and reactions.
Be mindful of how you are expressing yourself around them.
Take a deep breath, tell your churning emotions to chill out, we’re good.
What would be a good idea to do right now which will relax the children a bit?
How do we access their cortices rather than instincts and emotions?
How do we contain their sense of excitement and energy?
That flour on the counter? Bake those cookies, let them get messy and play. Adults don’t play enough, so what if the kitchen gets really messy, you have 21 days to clean it up again, and the children will help with that too if you propose it in a fun way: the cookies or cake is in the oven, let’s see if we can clean this up before its done and we can each have a hot biscuit!
Take a break from the negative
Put off the TV. Follow the news once daily for updates. Tell your well-meaning friends to please not send any sensationalist or fear-mongering messages, delete these if you do receive it.
Embrace the funny ones, it’s a way to relieve the stress of the situation.
Set a routine, do not take afternoon naps, you’ll regret it when you get back to work.
By all means see if you are able to get the little children to nap or have a quiet activity in order for you to recharge.
Tell them you need to recharge and put a time limit to it in order for them to understand that there is a beginning and an end to quiet time. Ninety minutes should be adequate. This is where you dig up the toys, Lego, puzzles, a puddle of mud in the garden (there is plenty of time for a shower or bath later, think bubbles), perhaps make it cuddle time, hold your little one, feel that little human being in your arms feeling safe with you.
Have a little conversation perhaps, find out what they feel, think, dream of. What an awesome opportunity to do this.
Do let me know if you want more of this, if it helps, if you want me to chat to something more specific, if you are struggling with something. The odds are that many others are too.
Let’s start the conversation, the one internally with yourself, and with each other.
Stay inside, stay healthy, both physically and mentally.
Reach out if you need help. Most importantly, embrace this time for yourself, your family and make it a fun memory rather than a stressful one.
Lots of virtual hugs to all of you.
Liza
