There is also help for abusers
People who were abused may counteract the feelings of inadequacy by believing they are better than others.
While focus is placed on those who are abused, ToughLove South Africa Chairlady Chantal Grotto shared some reasons why abusers abuse.
Are abusers abused?
A woman is killed every three hours in South Africa, according to police statistics – a rate five times the world average.
Half are murdered by men with whom they had a close relationship.
Official statistics suggest more than 110 rapes are reported to the police per day.
A red flag was raised as South Africa is said to have the highest statistics of GBV in the world, including rape and domestic violence (Foster 1999; The Integrated Regional Network [IRIN], Johannesburg, South Africa, May 25, 2002).
The question was raised as to what drives abuse or the growing concern in GBV?
In South Africa in particular, GBV “pervades the political, economic and social structures of society and is driven by strongly patriarchal social norms and complex and intersectional power inequalities, including those of gender, race, class and sexuality.
There has been mention of the pattern repeating itself that abusers have a larger tendency to abuse as opposed to those never having being abused for some of the following reasons:
• It feels familiar – if the connection between abuse and “love” is made early in life, the feelings of shame and anger, which naturally happen as a consequence of the abuse, can become mixed up with sexual feelings, leading to confusion in the person who experienced the abuse.
• It is an attempt to heal – by becoming an abuser, a victim of childhood abuse can try to undo the abuse by taking the opposite, seemingly more powerful, position. By engaging in a relationship with a more submissive person they can try to relive the relationship with their original abuser.
• They feel inadequate – people who were abused as children may believe on some deep level that may even be out of their conscious awareness, that they are not good enough to deserve a genuinely caring relationship.
• They feel grandiose – people who were abused may counteract the feelings of inadequacy by believing they are better than others. They may have a hard time respecting other people as equals.
• It is a search for power and control – by becoming an abuser, someone who has been abused can play the role of the more powerful person in the relationship in an attempt to overcome the powerlessness they felt when they were being abused.
“It can be hard to understand why someone who has been abused would engage in an abusive relationship again repeating to others what has been done to them,” Grotto explained.
“This though is very real and helping to understand helps with making better choices when it comes to engaging in relationships with people.”
Toughlove SA is a national support group with 30 groups countrywide offering support to people in crisis situations.
To get support from the Toughlove South Africa email info@toughlove.org.za or contact 082 372 3039 for whatsapp groups, online weekly meetings and face to face groups in your area.
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