Dealing with the loss of a loved one
Grief is the pain resulting from any significant loss, especially the death of a loved one.
Grief and mourning are normal, not something to avoid nor illnesses to be cured.
When a loved one dies, grief is nearly always influenced by factors in addition to the loss of the person who died. Previous losses and related grief may re-emerge and add to the pain. There are usually changes in the survivor’s role in life, financial status and living arrangements. Therefore, grief is related to the death and to the consequences of the death.
Characteristics of grief
Grief or related feelings are experienced when the relationship was characterised primarily by anger, rejection, or other negative emotions.
Grief after death is felt not just for the person but for love unexpressed, anger unresolved, or a relationship unfulfilled.
The emotional and psychological manifestations of grief include sadness, guilt and anger. The sadness is profound and often includes aspects of depression. There is intense yearning for the deceased and the life that was shared with him or her. Sadness comes in waves of despair and crying. There are times when the bereaved person cries and groans uncontrollably.
The sadness is expected, but guilt may come as a surprise. Regardless of how much guilt and/or anger is experienced, sadness is usually the most powerful and enduring feeling. There are countless other emotional and psychological responses to grief. Among these are:
• Numbness or denial – is common and pervasive.
• Ambivalence – is not only common but normal.
• Severe anxiety or nervousness – is also common and normal.
• Changes in behaviour and relationships may range from an inability to perform even the most basic activities of daily living to dragging through daily life.
• Disturbing thoughts or experiences may include hallucinations or a strong sense of the presence of the deceased.
• Grief often affects all aspects of the spiritual life of the bereaved.
• Physical manifestations of grief commonly include fatigue, insomnia, anorexia, feelings of choking, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest, menstrual irregularities and gastrointestinal disturbances.
There are certain times when the mourner is most vulnerable to despair, these commonly include:
• A few days to a week after the funeral when suddenly the support seems to vanish. Relatives and friends go home or back to their jobs and the mourner is left to his or her own devices.
• Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other significant times are often difficult. The degree of happiness brought by the special time in the past may now be reversed with the same special time bringing corresponding unhappiness.
• The first anniversary of the death is usually very painful.
Also read:Â City urges respect at burials
Dealing with grief
Dealing with grief begins before the death in two important ways; contributing to the care of the person who is terminally ill and making a significant effort to resolve any conflicts or “unfinished business” with the person who is dying.
Contributing to the care gives people the sure and lasting knowledge that they helped in the final days. This knowledge does not make grief go away but it is like a rock to which people can cling.
Grief is complicated by conflict or regrets about not saying words of love or forgiveness. Thus the resolution or attempts at resolution of conflicts are helpful in bringing the relationship to a close. It may be hard to accept but some conflicts may not be resolved and some “business” may not be finished. But grief is harder with the realisation that there was not an effort made at resolution.
• Information obtained from www.baylor.edu.
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