The importance of setting boundaries with children

During a particularly hard holiday with two very young children, Karen Archer’s (Educational Psychologist and Director of Bellavista S.H.A.R.E.) then two-and-a-half-year-old, screamed and spat at her for the tenth time that week. She stood helpless and exhausted, and to make matters worse her own father yelled “just give her a smack!”.

Her husband who looked on, turned and retreated to their room. She was at the end of her tether when she found him casually stretched out on the bed, scrolling on his phone. Her glare was enough for him to immediately respond with “I am just googling how to discipline a two-year-old!”

Once emotions had settled that day and everyone agreed that smacking wasn’t the way forward, Archer’s mother
said: “No matter how kind and lovely you are as adults, it doesn’t automatically mean your child will turn out the same way. It takes consistent discipline and firm boundaries to raise a secure, happy and kind child.”

It wasn’t easy, and many times she felt as though she was failing, but she is pleased to say that they now have a delightful eight-year-old daughter.

How boundaries help and how to set them

Research shows that one of the most valuable tools you can use to help your children develop, no matter what age they are, is that of healthy boundaries. Children who experience a household of appropriate and clear boundaries, delivered with love and warmth, are better equipped to meet the demands of daily living.

“Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others,” explains Stephanie Dowd, PsyD Clinical Psychologist.

For that to work, we need to put emphasis on helping children develop greater empathy and self-awareness.

A Sense of self, self-control and relationship building

Children are by nature impulsive and controlled by their whims. Parents who help their children have boundaries also teach them to control their impulses. As they get older, and social interaction gets more complex, it’s not enough to just learn the rules.

Children need to learn to set boundaries for themselves and respect those of others. Lack of boundaries skews children’s sense of themselves. There is a clear difference between good self-esteem and narcissism. Whether the child realises it or not, that uncertainty and sense of being able to dominate people will make them feel anxious and insecure.

Not having limits sows the seeds of narcissism and entitlement. Boundaries also help children build positive friendships by having a strong sense of self and recognising characteristics in others that are not necessarily healthy.

Establish effective communication, keep instructions brief and involve the kids in boundary setting

Teach children to express their opinions and needs in a respectful manner. An important way you can do this, is by modelling the behaviour you want, and praising children for their appropriate, positive behaviour.

Your children want guidelines for their lives that are reliably enforced. Talk through the rules as a family, and let them know that you are open to hearing them out if they feel a boundary is unfair.

Be consistent, follow through and have patience

Having boudnaries doesn’t mean children won’t push them, they will. It is a part of their learning process, and they may even be upset when you uphold certain boundaries, but they will also feel safe and secure at the same time.

Archer clearly remembers being a 14-year-old, desperate to go to these so called ‘open house parties’ where alcohol was sold by parents to children as young as 13. Her parents held their boundary tight and would not allow me to go. She was furious and hardly spoke to her parents for months on end. She remembers them saying to her time and again: “We are only doing this because we love you.” – and they certainly were.

For more information, visit www.bellavista.org.za