How to set gentle boundaries with your tween or teen

Setting “gentle” boundaries is an important part of assisting your tween or teen in gaining independence, staying safe, and making sound decisions. Because adolescence is a time of new experiences for both of you, setting boundaries can help you and your child understand what behaviour is acceptable and what is not.

The significance of gentle boundaries

Boundaries are an essential part of establishing clarity between you and your child as you both navigate a period of significant change. Setting and agreeing on boundaries together creates a ‘contract’ of expected behaviour that can aid in conflict resolution. Boundaries not only help parents feel more in control of their teenager’s behaviour, but they also help them by:

• Demonstrating that you care about them and are interested in what they are doing even when you are not together
• Giving them a sense of security and support
• Assisting them in making informed and sound decisions
• Providing them with a framework within which they can exercise their autonomy

What are your family’s most important boundaries?

Before discussing boundaries with your child, sit down with your partner and/or all of your child’s important authority figures and agree on the most important boundaries. It is critical that you reach agreement so that you are sending clear and firm boundaries rather than mixed messages.

We chat with neuroscience and emotional intelligence coach Candice King on how to set boundaries that will work for both you and your child.

“Let’s be honest: nobody writes a book about what to expect 13 years after you are expecting! It can be a shock to the system when your cute, cuddly little boy or girl comes out of their room one morning like something out of Stranger Things (IYKYK). For those parents not yet up to date with teen acronyms, it’s If You Know You Know – and stranger things is a teen series about otherworldly monsters,” says Candice. “I am passionate about empowering parents of tweens and teens to build a foundation of trust, empathy and understanding while navigating the teen years. Communication and connection are vital during this time.”

Candice explains one of the most talked about topics when it comes to teens (this includes tweens) is setting healthy boundaries.

“If your teen knows what is okay and what’s not okay, then the chances of them pushing the boundaries will be a little less than usual. Teen’s purpose is to push boundaries and I don’t negatively mean this, it’s a fact of teen life. Your teen is becoming their own little “adult” and in finding out who they are and how they fit into the world they are going to push boundaries as much as they can. As parents, it’s important to have these boundaries in place so your teen knows what is okay and what’s not okay. I often say to my parents of teens, our teens look, sound, and try to act like adults but they are not. We can deal with them with adult flavouring,” she adds.

This is the time to be having open conversations. Negotiation is key. An outright NO will leave you with rebellion.

Setting boundaries: Pick your battles

Candice recommends setting a maximum of five boundaries with your teen.

Here are some important steps to think about when setting these boundaries.

Step 1

Get clear on your family values and what is important to your family. You and your partner have a discussion around this and write it down.

Step 2

Invite your teen to have a conversation about these boundaries that you are setting. This is where open communication comes in and the importance of getting their feedback. Make it clear that there isn’t any option around these boundaries however you would like to know how they feel about it.

Step 3

Put these boundaries up where everyone can see them or get them to sign a copy agreeing to said boundaries and make them stick it up in the cupboards, so everyone is on the same page, excuse the pun.

Now let’s talk about the actual boundaries…

According to Candice, boundaries are not threats that get screamed across the room/house or car when you are angry about something. Instead, boundaries require a calm conversation with clear consequences.

“It’s important to remember you are not your teen’s friend and don’t try being one. They are looking to you on what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t in life, and you are modelling for them. Don’t freak out we are allowed to make mistakes as parents as that in itself is important,” says Candice.

“Be clear on the boundaries. The boundary needs to be short and to the point. Write it down. Then think about a fair consequence if this boundary is crossed. Consequences are the key to unlocking changed behaviour. So, you must set a consequence that you can stick to. Taking a cell phone away for 3 weeks is not something you can stick to and a little inside information, it causes more harm than good (unpopular opinion here I know). Teens are social creatures. They have a human need for connection and belonging, well most humans do. Taking their phone away for that long is physically and emotionally painful for them.”

You don’t need to over-explain about the boundary. You simply need to say what they did and what the reason is for setting the boundary, how their behaviour made you feel and if in future they do that same thing again that XYZ will be the consequence.

“Will you get hate, yes probably? Will you be the only parent that is like that, yes most likely? Will they ignore you for a while, yes there is that too. If you stick to them, you will see the benefit in changed behaviour. Perhaps not right away but eventually,” adds Candice.

“A great tip to leave you with is after your teen has crossed the boundary you have set; you go into their room and remind them that you love them and then ask them to make better choices next time. They will realise that they chose to put themselves in the situation they are in.”