How to be a parent to your teen, not a pal

What your teen really needs is a parent who is present, sets boundaries, and is a good role model, not a parent who is trying to be their buddy.

We want our children to hug us, confide in us, talk to us, and share their feelings with us. However, as they grow older, kids become more self-sufficient. Perhaps your child’s affection for you isn’t as strong as it was when they were four years old, which makes you feel disappointed or sad. But here’s the issue with being a friend rather than a parent. While the two may overlap in many ways (you care about each other, listen with an empathic ear, encourage them when they are down), there will be many situations when simply being a friend will not suffice. Your teen will need the help of a parent.

Many parents think that if they have a good, friendly relationship with their child, that the child will do what the parent wants because they’re friends and because the child wants to please them. In most cases, however, the opposite occurs. Children get confused about their role, and if their parents try to impose any standards, the child resents it because they never had any regulations in the first place — and now they believe their parents are hypocrites.

Here are just a few ways you can fulfil both an emotional and functional parenting role.

Establish boundaries

Teens rely on you to establish limits. They rely on you to instruct and guide them. They must understand that there will be consequences if they act inappropriately. Those boundaries and guidelines must be set by you as a parent, not by a buddy. Some of your most challenging moments will occur when you choose the position of a parent over the role of a friend. But don’t be concerned. Your parenting will deepen your relationship while positioning your child to make sensible decisions if you offer them love, respect, and care.

Maintain stability

As children become more independent, they must choose how they differ from you. Some parents dress and speak like their children’s peers. Perhaps they believe it is a way to appear cool while being connected. This might backfire. Remember that obtaining independence — figuring out who you are apart from your parents and siblings — is an essential component of adolescent development. Your teen may push you away if you seem or act too much like a teenager. Instead, consider becoming a lighthouse parent: a steady force against which your children can measure themselves.

Continue to be present

Remember that your child will have many friends come and go in their life. However, there is only one YOU. You won’t be going anywhere. Your child will never have to worry about losing you or pretend to be anything other than what they truly are for you, and it’s important to remind them of this.