Video: How to avoid toxic relationships
Bloomberg shared a pertinent statistic, which is that the majority of people are influenced 80 per cent by their experiences and 20 per cent by their attitude.
Celebrity psychologist and integrity specialist Charissa Bloomberg held a pre-Women’s Day networking breakfast at Elizabeth Lodge.
This informative networking session attracted influential women from in and around Ekurhuleni.
Bloomberg’s energy grabbed the attention of the attendees, as she confronted the issue of toxic relationships with colleagues, managers, family and friends.
She also shared how to “get up from the table” when an unhealthy relationship no longer serves you.
According to Bloomberg, toxic relationships break one down, they devalue the victim, who then develops low self-esteem, feels unloved and is unable to reach their full potential.
“The reason this happens is often the result of personality disorders – anti-social personality disorder as well as borderline personality disorder,” said Bloomberg.
“In some marriages, couples stay together for the sake of their children without realising the negative effect this can entail. For example, when couples don’t touch or hold each other, this creates an impression on their children that this is what love looks like,” she said.
Bloomberg advised that victims of abuse often feel powerless and some people stay in those relationships for security or financial reasons.
“The abuse sucks your energy, you lose your soul and it takes your self-esteem out of you.
“In this case, integrity means doing the right thing for yourself. We all have to make choices in our lives, such as if we are going to choose to stay or leave.
“The sad part is that the signs of being controlled or manipulated are always there, but we tend to be too blind to see them.”
A psychologist by profession, Bloomberg explained that women tend to think the perpetrator will change, for example, he will go to therapy or this is just a once-off thing.
But this is very seldom the correct impression.
“You can counsel and encourage someone who is in an abusive relationship, but I believe that if that victim has not decided or made a choice about what they are going to do, then no one can convince them.
“The people surrounding the toxic relationships are also affected. Friends and family members of the victim can counsel them and give them advice, but 10 to one they will stay in their abusive relationship.”
Bloomberg highlighted the fact that a victim who stays will develop a “victim mode” to assist them in navigating the relationship.
“If we all knew everybody’s stories, we would relate to each other differently because we all have a story.
“We don’t always share them or know about them, but most of us have an experience of this situation and some of us are still going through these struggles,” Bloomberg said.
- Toxic relationships in the workplace
“Colleagues at work sometimes get ugly or act up for no reason, such as by not greeting you, trying to undermine your work or by making up lies.”
She said that work bullies come in different forms, such as backstabbers, soul suckers, those who use their charm on you to try and make you do certain things for them, chit-chatters, and the procrastinators who slow your work down.
“The truth is that bullies are the most insecure people imaginable and their actions reveal quite clearly that they feel threatened by you,” Bloomberg advised.
- Reclaiming the power within
A self-empowered woman is positive, confident, a good manager of conflict, truthful, has integrity and empowers others.
“Some of the qualities of a disempowered person include a low self-esteem, various insecurities, feelings of being inadequate, helpless and frustrated, which lends one towards becoming a victim.
“Nobody is born disempowered, but due to the challenges we face along the way, feeling disempowered can become a learned behaviour,” said Bloomberg.
“When you tell someone repeatedly that they are not good at something, they start to believe you. What we think, the body starts feeling – then we act and behave. If we go around feeling as though we are incapable or disempowered, we are creating that situation.
“We need, instead, to tap into the parts of our brains that allow us to feel inspired to do great things. Also, we should be careful about the put-downs we put people through,” she enthused.
Bloomberg shared a pertinent statistic towards the end of her talk, which is that the majority of people are influenced 80 per cent by their experiences and 20 per cent by their attitude.
“These figures should actually be reversed. Women need to empower themselves because anything is impossible,” she concluded.
