FROM Struwwelpeter’s favourite satirical comic strip, Madam and Eve, some book titles for those of us who are not yet politically aware:
Lord of the Lies – Mac Maharaj
One Flew Over the Wedding Guests – The Gupta Brothers
The Great Fatsby – Kulubusi Zuma
Short Walk to Fiefdom – Robert Mugabe
A Farewell to Arms Deal – Judge Willie Seriti
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – The Shaiks
Naked Lunch – Kenny Kunene
Drunk Man Walking – Tony Yengeni
Crime and No Punishment – Jacob Zuma
* * *
And now for a word by John Cleese:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled”.
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC!
Regards, John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person.
* * *
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realise it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. We’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way.
About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out.
He asked his friend: “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?”
“Yes, I do,” said Keith.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said: “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask? Has she had a baby or something?”
“No,” John answered. “No baby but she just died and left me everything in her will.”
Thanks BJ
