It is your responsibility as a parent to set limitations. But how do you set limits while avoiding power struggles with your child?
Often, the more you argue or try to force your child to do something, the more tempers flare. When you and your child are both frustrated and angry, you aren’t likely to be able to accomplish anything. Power struggles can often be avoided, leaving your youngster feeling valued and respected and providing you with a satisfactory ending. Here are a few tips to defuse a power struggle with your child.
Limit your child’s choices
Don’t ask “yes” or “no” questions, and don’t provide open options. Asking your child, “What do you want to wear today?” will result in a room covered with clothing. Instead, hold out two clothing items and ask, “Which one of these do you want to wear today?”
Ensure actions have consequences
It is sometimes necessary to impose a negative consequence. Instead of arguing or attempting to coerce your child, remain calm and deliver a single warning. If your child does not comply, a penalty such as deprivation of a privilege can be extremely effective.
Give your child something to do
If your child is underfoot while you’re cooking supper, for example, instead of shooing her out to play in the living room, involve her in the process of preparation. Giving her an indestructible mixing bowl and a spoon, or a safe but actual chore she can do nearby – for example, tearing lettuce for a salad or bringing napkins to the table – prevents conflict and teaches lessons about appropriate and safe kitchen conduct.
Think before saying “no”
Don’t say “no” on the spur of the moment, but when you do, stick to it. It’s easy to say no without thinking when your child asks for something out of the ordinary, especially if you’re busy or stressed (and what parent isn’t most of the time?). Often, your instinctive parental reaction is correct, but always consider before you speak; it wouldn’t hurt to let her play in the sink water or munch on a piece of fruit if she’s hungry and lunchtime is still a long way away. However, after you’ve declined a request or prohibited an action, don’t change your mind and go back on your word. This is especially true if your child’s reaction was to whine, cry, or throw a temper tantrum. Giving in will simply persuade her that her tantrums are an effective – and acceptable – method of changing your mind.
Implement time-out
Give a time-out if necessary, or take one yourself. If you can’t avoid disagreement, sometimes the best effective answer is to give your child a time-out. This should be framed as a chance for him to cool down, collect himself, and begin anew. For an older child, this usually entails sitting in a chair (or on a bed or stairs) for a set amount of time in order to calm oneself down. A good rule of thumb is to put your child in time-out for one minute for every year of age, but use your discretion about what works best for you.
Stay calm when you’re angry or frustrated
If something goes wrong and you become enraged, take a time out for yourself. Try the tried-and-true method of counting to ten, or tell your child, “I’m so furious right now that I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to sit quietly until I feel better.” You will be able to calm down while simultaneously showing your child that there are appropriate ways to deal with rage.
