THE Warrior Project, an online portal of information and resources for victims of domestic abuse and gender-based violence, says silence is the enabler that has allowed abuse to perpetuate to epidemic proportions.
Yvonne Wakefield, from The Warrior Project, said breaking the silence is the foundational first step towards addressing the issue, but to do this, we need a deeper understanding of how silence became the prevailing – and socially endorsed – response to abuse.
“Silence is informed by different drivers for different people. For example, people who have never had personal exposure to abuse choose not to engage on the topic because from the outside it is black and white, and simply shouldn’t happen. Conversations about abuse are avoided in favour of lighter and nicer topics, and when comment is called for from the ignorant, the response is that an abused person should just leave, and if she doesn’t, she’s to blame or even complicit,” she said.
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According toWakefield there are a number of factors that inform silence. At first, there’s denial.
“Denial happens when we refuse the notion that our situation is unhealthy and hold on to the dream that we bought into, hoping that the difficult parts will change. Once we realise that our situation is unhealthy, there’s the pressure to uphold the outward impression of the dream, so the silence continues. It can be embarrassing as a seemingly strong and together person, to tell people how you are treated behind closed doors, and then to justify having not taken steps to leave in the circumstances,” she said.
Following this is the shame, said Wakefield. She said one of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that the victim is made to believe wholeheartedly that they are the cause of the problem, that they deserve the abuse, and that if they just changed themselves it would go away.
“So much time and energy is directed towards fixing ourselves, and we avoid telling people about the abuse for shame around our believed role in it. And then there’s love. Most abused people love – or at least loved – their abusers, and are very aware of the root of insecurity that triggers their abusive behaviour. Because of this, and also our hope that our abusers will heal and not need to act out in this way, we justify it, make excuses for it, and keep the details to ourselves. Also, we don’t want our loved one (often the father of our children) to face legal action and suffer reputational damage, so we stick to the silence,” she said.
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Wakefield said the problem is that once women speak out, they face outside pressure to leave and judgment if they don’t. “Once we speak, we can no longer pretend that it isn’t happening. And after years of abuse, we don’t have the self-belief or courage to take steps to leave, so the thought of pressure from family and friends to do so is reason in itself to stay silent,” she said.
So how do we break the silence? Wakefield said people need to make themselves available to listen, understand and support.
“And we speak. We have the difficult conversations, with our families, friends, colleagues and communities. But most importantly, we reserve judgment. Judgement is not our role in this. Judgment, or even perceived judgment, blocks trust and leaves silence as the only alternative,” she said.
Visit: www.thewarriorproject.org.za.
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