Overcoming difficulties with stepchildren

Blended families have become a norm in South Africa. But as normal as they are, they come with many challenges. If you have children and you marry a man with children, you cannot avoid the issue of how you are going to cope with the children. Many questions will flood your mind. How are his children going to cope with you?  Will either of you survive because you are both coming in with children? Overcoming difficulties with stepchildren can be the most important challenge of your new married life. Whether you and your husband have custody, are only part-time visitation parents, or your husband has been in some way deprived of access to his children – legally or not – a man’s children are a part of his life you can’t simply ignore away.  

Some tips for overcoming difficulties with stepchildren

There is no need to fight for attention for your husband. You have your own special place in his life so do his children. His relationship with his children is not the same as his relationship with you. So, don’t allow yourself to be lured into competing with the children. Competition puts you and the children on the same level and in the same category. Be the bigger person.

Don’t try to become “their mother”

Whether you force or charm your stepchildren, you will never be their mother.  Even if they have no other mother, and have never known another mother, children are sensitive to their own right to recognise the utter uniqueness of their bond with the woman who gave birth to them.  

Create a relationship of mutual respect

Start creating a relationship of respect: yours for them, their relationship with their father, their previous history without you, and their discomfort at the new demands a relationship they did not choose places on them. You are their father’s wife, the woman of the home, an adult with capabilities the children don’t have. They need to learn to respect you.

Be prepared to work with your spouse to keep boundaries intact

This is all new to all parties so as parents you are expected to create boundaries. But with time, the boundaries may not need to be so intense because you would have all found your way to being a true new family. Overcoming difficulties with stepchildren is a process, not something that will happen overnight.  

Don’t be afraid to ask for help in dealing with stepchildren

If you are not coping, there is no shame in asking for help from your spouse and from professional family therapists. You have never been a stepmom before, so accept that this is all new to you. Embrace the role with its challenges. There is no shame in looking for some support while you learn the ropes.