Missing Kids … parenting 101

Manogari Moonsammy (Nogz), portfolio head, Vulnerable Citizens Support Initiative,

Benoni Community Policing Forum

In light of the recent statistics regarding missing children, the time has come for us, as parents, to catch a serious wake-up call.

Having spent the last few months between bushes and dams, police stations and funeral homes, endless hours of tracking and tracing missing people, and then the ongoing process of providing trauma support to grief-stricken families, I really feel that this issue needs to be addressed and seen in a serious light, as this trend seems to be on the increase.

Ninety-five per cent of the time these incidents stem from MISCOMMUNICATION or NO COMMUNICATION from BOTH SIDES; and only once you are into a full-scale crisis do you realise that the entire incident could have been completely avoided, had you done things differently.

As parents the rules are simple; we need to be more responsible, more accountable, more approachable and more vigilant when it comes to our kids:

1 Know where your kids are going and with who, as well as the places that they frequent. Drop them off and make sure that they are collected on time. Have a contact number for the parents of the friends with whom they hang out. Parents need to converse with fellow parents and share responsibilities.

2 Encourage open and honest communication. Know who they are dating. For that, you will really need to be able to earn your child’s trust. Knowing who they dating will always be the equivalent of swallowing a cactus, especially if you don’t approve of their choices. (We all experience suffering and torture with this one – personally, I codename my son’s girlfriend a bat. I swear she has fangs and I dream of creative ways to fumigate her out of my son’s life!) It’s typical ”Possessive Mommy” behaviour, but we have to learn to let go, because once you start giving your personal opinion, judging and being critical of their choices, it becomes a boring lecture and they switch off. This encourages lies and deceit and they start to shut you out. We may not like it or approve of whom they date, but it’s better than to have them sneaking around behind your back. It’s become a pattern with parents of missing kids that they find out only days after their kids have disappeared that they have been dating for long periods of time; and worse is that it’s splashed all over social media! That alone is a crushing and humiliating experience for most parents! Usually, when they disappear, that’s the first place you check, because chances are they are with the very same person of who you you disapproved! The best way is to suck it up, be tolerant and pray to the heavens above for the Almighty to intervene!

3 Do the “skank” inspection! Ensure that your kid does not go out looking like a “Creature of the Night”. Yes, you will be told you are old-fashioned, and be called a wonderful assortment of names, coupled with rudeness and temper tantrums and banging of room doors, but bear it, because it’s the responsible thing to do. How many times have you seen 12-year-olds parading with 2cm skirts in the mall and wondered to yourself what their parents were thinking?

And, while I fully agree and support the clause of “The way we dress is no excuse for rape”, and that one’s way of dressing does not encourage rape, as parents we need to stop making excuses and take a firm stand. Prevention is always better. Remember to visualise what they were wearing before they leave your house. This will help to provide an accurate description of what they were wearing when they were last seen.

4 Realise, as parents, that it is your hard-earned salary that has paid for their top-of-the-range cellphone, hence you are entitled to the Imia numbers on the box. There are several types of software available that will allow you to trace their movements, too. Kids tend to outsmart their parents when it comes to technology, but smarten up and do not allow yourself to be bullied!

5 Don’t break or bend the rules. Stick to the legal age limit when it comes to drinking or allowing them to drive a car. It really doesn’t matter how wealthy you are; all the cash in the world cannot buy back your kids’ lives. Many parents account for their absenteeism by improvising financially. Remember that a surplus of cash may encourage experimentation with substances. Flashy cars may also attract potential hijackers and lead to abductions and, while you are fully entitled to flash your cash, be practical and sensible when it comes to your child’s safety.

6 Give them a certain degree of freedom and allow them to socialise and have friends, because when you control their every move and restrict them, you come across as ancient and overbearing; at any chance they get they will escape from their cages and that’s usually when the antics with the opposite sex begin. Control and monitor their spending allowance. Have their bank account details handy. too. This will assist in tracking any banking activity in the event of them disappearing.

7 Look out for the warning signs. If they start growing distant and acting up, investigate and then act on your instincts, because these are usually signs of them reaching out. Whether the end result involves you both seeing a shrink, a psychic or even a sangoma, if that’s what floats your boat – just get help for your child. You don’t want to be left sitting with guilt and wondering what more you could have done. Kids, being the “Masters of Manipulation” that they are, after the incident occurs the first thing they do is point fingers and blame you and make it seem as if you are the reason they left! It’s terrible watching crying parents at the police station. The amount of self-blame they inflict upon themselves once something happens to their kid is really heart-breaking. Worse is parents then turning on and blaming each other. Toughen up!

8 Do not snoop. Ask honest questions in a calm and polite manner and get to know and understand your kid better. Respect their privacy and listen when they talk – even if it’s an aggravating conversation about their teacher and you have a pounding headache – suck it up! However, should there be no transparency, then snoop away! Browser history may reveal things like cults, pornography or even ways to attempt suicide. Most of the time it is just curiosity, but as a parent you need to know your kid well enough to recognise when the warning bells go off. Be approachable and discuss matters openly if they have questions.

9 Keep recent pictures (not from when your kid was five), hair samples or personal items safely. This will assist with DNA identification if, God forbid, a body is found. Cruel as it sounds, this process may eliminate the option of it actually being your kid and it will bring closure.

10 Invest in a tracker and a reliable car. Keep your payments up to date. This is a lifesaving tool.

11 If there is a problem, acknowledge and address it, and then deal with it. Sweeping issues under the carpet out of fear of what family or members of your congregation will think achieves nothing. Your child’s life may be in danger, and ensuring their safety should be your only concern. However serious the problem of substance abuse may be STOP WITH THE DENIAL!

12 The 24/48-hour waiting period is a bunch of hogwash. Your child could be long dead by then. Act swiftly.

· Go to your nearest police station immediately and obtain an OB number.

· Take along a clear, recent picture, as well as all other important info as recommended above.

· Reach out to structures that are able to assist you best. Your local CPF comes highly recommended. The members have knowledge of the area, and most forums have the necessary resources and manpower, too.

· Ensure you have the support of family and friends. There is no shame when it comes to a life or death situation!

13 Kids are volatile and have weird minds. They make no sense and the temper tantrums and mood syndromes are the worst. It may even drive you to the point of avoiding them completely, just to keep your blood pressure in check. But realise that this type of behaviour builds barriers. Do not expect logic or common sense in the way that they may think sometimes. You may not always understand them and when something bad does happen to them you spend the rest of your life in turmoil wondering how you could have done things differently. Seek counselling, have courage in your faith, pray for strength and learn to forgive yourself.

Remember that parenting can be a difficult and turbulent experience. It’s even worse if your child does not have faith, prayer or discipline in their lives. Often parents may feel incompetent and overwhelmed, but we need to adapt our mindset, open up channels of communication, encourage honesty, discipline accordingly and just be the very best parents we can be.

We can’t always control the way the universe works, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying!