There is hope for people in abusive relationships

During the month of love, the Northmead resident, who does not want to be named, is now encouraging women who find themselves in abusive relationships to take stock of their lives and find a way out.

*Michelle lived in Cape Town in 2000 and got involved with a man who lived in Johannesburg.

For two years, the two were in a long-distance relationship.

Before long, Michelle noticed red flags.

“There was always a feeling of push and pull,” said Michelle, who is now 41 years old.

“… After every visit in Cape Town, I would get a phone call to say that it was not going to work.

“This would last for a day or two, and then I was told ‘no, let’s make it work’!”

Her partner’s behaviour got worse.

“I couldn’t get hold of him for an entire weekend and, on the Monday, he told me matter-of-factly that he was on a drug binge with friends,” Michelle said.

“I ended it then because I didn’t want anything to do with drugs, but he convinced me again that it was just this one time.”

Two years after their relationship started, she moved in with her partner.

“The push-pull started in earnest when I moved in with him in Johannesburg,” she said.

“Before I moved there were reassurances and promised of a lovely life together; that I didn’t have to worry about anything and that we should move in together immediately, which we did.”

Soon after she moved in, her boyfriend would retract promises he made to her, such as providing for her financially.

The abuse started on an emotional and mental level and, in the final stages of the relationship, he started pulling Michelle’s hair and grabbed her by the throat.

That was her final straw.

“When the physical abuse started, I realised that it was now or never,” she said.

“If this was what he was capable of I might have been hurt seriously, or even killed.

“I looked for a place to rent without telling him and when he went to work I moved out.

“He found out where I was staying and came to the house.

“It was then that I told him that if he ever tried to contact me again or came to the house again, I would call the police and get a restraining order.”

Michelle now wants other people who are caught in abusive relationships to see the light.

She said you should read up on abuse and find someone to talk to, although the realisation of her own abusive relationship came as a shock to her.

“It was extremely difficult and very lonely to move on,” she said.

“I drank bottles of red wine to try to drown the pain.

“I spent endless days and nights trying to figure out why it happened, and why me?

“It was also painful to look inside – to see where this was coming from!

“Why would I be attracted to someone like that and why would I attract such a nasty person?

“So, I had to do a lot of inner work to heal myself.

“It’s not easy to look inside and get to the root cause of old wounds.

“I did a lot of spiritual work and really got to know myself 100 per cent better.”

Michelle gave five tips to heal your heart when you have been in an abusive relationship:

•  Be honest with yourself. Admit that you have gone through a traumatic experience that has hurt your entire being. Admit that you need help. Don’t jump into the next relationship just to get rid of the pain. Chances are that it will be the same type of person.
•  Forgive. Forgive yourself first for letting certain things happen, for allowing another human being to treat you that way without standing up for yourself. Then, in time, forgive the other person. If you are holding onto the pain and bitterness this person will forever have a hold on you.
•  Acceptance. The next level, deeper level of forgiveness, is acceptance. Accept that it is the past. Accept that perhaps it had to happen in order for you to be where you are right now. Accept that if it was meant to be, it would have been.
•  Be free. When you are free from past hurts you become a magnet for abundance in all forms. Keep your heart open. Don’t let events and people let you go back to your old hurt and closed self. You have moved on from that. You know that you are responsible for your happiness.
•  Gratitude makes the world go round! Be grateful that you had the opportunity to experience and learn. Be grateful that you have grown from your past. Be grateful for all the people in your life who taught and will teach you valuable lessons.

Six years ago, she found the love of her live and the couple are expecting their first child.

Nicole Schluep, a clinical psychologist, provided the following red flags to be aware of in abusive people and relationships:

Red flags in a partner:

•  Addictive tendencies i.e. alcohol/other drugs
•  Secretive or deceitful
•  Strong need to be in control
•  Background history of emotional instability
•  Poor relationship history with the opposite sex, i.e. unstable relationships, been significantly hurt by the opposite sex
•  A sense of entitlement or superiority over you or others, i.e. makes you feel like a servant

Red flags in a relationship:

•  Very controlling and monitors your movements. May insist on tracking you on your phone under the pretence that it’s to ensure you are safe, or may go through your phone.
•  Compare you to previous partners, where the other partners are placed on a pedestal.
•  Degrade you, belittle you, criticise you, i.e. name calling, vulgar language. The end result is often a sense of feeling shameful.
•  Threaten to self-harm, or harm you or those closest to you should you leave.
•  Hold you responsible for relationship difficulties/blame you for their bad traits.
•  Accuse you of being unfaithful.
•  Degrade those closest to you, i.e. family and friends.
•  Isolate you from family or friends.
•  Compare you to former partners.
•  May make you financially dependent on them.
•  He or she may be very jealous of your relationships with friends, family or the opposite sex (such as colleagues).
•  Explosive temper.
•  Make regular use of threats.
•  Taking your money or refusing to give you money.

Schluep said abuse can be physical, verbal or emotional, financial or sexual.

*Michelle is not her real name.