“It all started when I met this guy. We had a normal marriage, but he was a jealous man.”
*Marie recently met with the NEWS and shared her story of abuse, in the wake of the 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children.
Not only did she escape his abuse, but also had to face the reality that her husband had a second family.
She hesitates to share detailed information such as the number of years she had been married, or the year she escaped as Marie lives in hiding under a new name.
Marie was abused emotionally, physically and financially.
The trouble started when her husband would not come home for long periods of time.
“He would not come home on odd occasions. When I asked about his whereabouts, he would say ‘I’m with my family’. I thought he meant his relatives,” said Marie.
Marie later found out that he had a second wife and children.
“I was scared because anything could trigger him.
“As if the abuse was not traumatic enough, I almost miscarried and gave birth prematurely as a result,”she said.
“One of my children would always try to protect me when he abused me.”
She lived an isolated life with no friends and she was exposed to various forms of punishments.
“If he wanted to punish me he would not buy milk for the children,” said Marie, adding she was not working at the time, and was financially dependent on him.
“It was even difficult to take my children to school. He believed that girl children should not go to school.
“He was charming and well respected in the community. At the same time, he would tell me I was nothing without him. I believed it. I believed that I was lucky to have him.”
Her turning point was the thought of her children when he again beat her up one day after she took a bath.
“It was at that moment that I decided that I don’t want my girls to think this was acceptable. I was tired,” said Marie.
Marie took her children and fled from her abusive husband after living in fear for years.
“If your abuser gets away with it once they will take the abuse to the next level.”
There is strength in Marie as she confidently speaks about her life today.
She has put the abuse behind her, and has opened a non-profit company that is focused on helping children who are in disadvantaged situations.
“My motto is to be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
She believes in survivors helping other victims.
“My children and I were also helped by other people, and that is why I want to give back.”
Marie is also an active ward committee member in her community, and enjoys going out to serve at feeding schemes when she is not working.
“I wanted to stand up for people without a voice.”
Her greatest pride and joy is her children.
“They never disappoint me. They do so well at school, and my daughter sees me as a heroine. My future is all about my children and I want them to be better than me.
“After everything, I count the blessings in my life. After everything, I have come to realise there’s beauty in ashes. Beauty can also be broken, but it still remains beautiful.”
Although she said she was scared he will find them, she forges on to a brighter future.
“I can’t see myself in a marriage again.”
Marie advises women who are going through similar abuse to get out of it.
You can do it no matter how difficult it is. Do it for the people who love you, and end the cycle of abuse for the sake of your children. If you were a victim, talk about it. It might help somebody,” said Marie.
Marie’s top 10 tips for victims of abuse:
• Identify shelters in your area.
• Before leaving get your documents ready, don’t just leave without a plan. Have a plan A and plan B.
•. Save money into a secret bank account.
• Keep a bag of clothing with a trusted friend.
• Write a letter and make it known that your life is in danger, should anything happen to you.
• Do not go anywhere your abuser will find you.
• Don’t ever go back. It won’t change.
• Cry, don’t bottle it in.
• Get a protection order.
• Get counselling.
Marie gives three signs to look out for in a partner:
1. They don’t want you to work.
2. They don’t want you to talk to other people.
3. They always want to feel superior.
* Not her real name.
